Matecumbe redux, the Helm Speaks and the TPB!!

Okay, so first thing is, thanks to everyone who wrote in with the lyrics to the theme song from The Treasure of Matecumbe! But please everyone stop sending them now! Even the Helm's massive servers have been swamped by the volume of responses!

With that out of the way, two bits of news.

First, there's a new page on the Helm Website--The Helm Speaks. Check it out for daily tidbits of wisdom straight from the mouth of the world's only talking helmet that pretty much no one can hear (except Mathew Blurdy).

Second, I have reason to believe that the Helm TPB may be arriving from the printer today! I'll keep you posted, but everyone is so excited here at Helm central that no one can sleep! And also because it's during the middle of the day and they have work to do.

Happy New Years and Booby Traps

Happy 2009 to you all! Here's hoping it's a bit more upbeat in terms of economic, social and political stability!

Now that the altruistic stuff is out of the way, I'll get down to the bragging!

The Helm was just featured in a "Best of" press release by Dark Horse Comics. (I didn't use an exclamation point there, even though I wanted to.) The Helm was one of 16 books they singled out as having been singled out by critics for repeated praise during 2008. (Again, no exclamation point, even though it totally would have been warranted.) I like repeated praise. It gives me a warm fuzzy feeling comparable to the sensation I get from wearing my new, warm and fuzzy house slippers that I just got for Christmas.

And why did I need new slippers, you may ask? Because my old ones are still in a box in my basement somewhere. Remember that Borg Cube of boxes containing 98% of my family's worldly possessions? Well, the boxes are still there, but they have de-cubed. They have become more amoeba-like over the weeks as we have raided them for various essential items. Now the basement is more like some kind of wickedly clever, booby trapped maze.

Booby trapped. A trap for boobies. Titter titter.

Ever wonder about the origin of the term booby trap? It was not, as it at first appears, coined by tittering fourteen-year-old boys, drunk on the possibility of capturing women's mammary glands for their own nefarious pleasure. No, it refers instead to traps for dumb people--you know, boobs. Boob, in this context, descends from the Spanish "bobo" which means stupid.

That other kind of boob descends (titter titter) from the Elizabethan word "bubbies."

One Elizabethan gentlman to another, "I say, Lord Dodderington, cast thine eyes upon yon bawd! Nice bubbies, what what?"

Lord Dodderington, "I'd fair foin that trollop! Dibs!!"

Thoughts? Feelings? Questions?

The final issue of the Helm is finally out! What did you think? Liked it? Hated it? I'd love any feedback anybody wants to send my way, positive or negative. Email me, or post your thoughts, feelings or questions here. Either way.

Here's a sample question--similar to something an actual reader of the Helm might post:

Jim. What the hell were you thinking?
Yours, Don Bumbernicker

And a sample answer to show how I'll probably respond to an actual comment from a real person:

Don, I have no idea.
Yours, Jim

So, go ahead and comment! Don't be shy! I can tell from my Google analytics that at least two people have read this blog and one guy from the Ukraine has looked at it by accident. If those three people were to comment, that would be FOUR comments (including my fake one). Four comments and only one of them fake! That would be something.

Baby Alligators, Toilet Seats and the Helm #4

I was just in Miami and saw a wild baby alligator in a lagoon. Not that it was particularly impressive or anything, but alligators are deadly creatures and I don't expect to see them swimming around outside of high rise office complexes. That would be like seeing a wild baby tiger running around in the mall, or having a baby great white shark bite your foot while sitting at a public fountain.

Okay, maybe not exactly.

Anyway, I was standing in the bathroom at work, thinking about baby alligators, when it suddenly occurred to me that the toilet seat was U-shaped rather than a complete oval. Now, I've seen this particular toilet seat hundreds of times over the last several years and never really noticed how it was U-shaped rather than oval, but for some reason, it registered this time. Which got me wondering why some toilet seats are U-shaped and others are oval. As I thought about it, it occurred to me that I mostly saw U-shaped toilet seats in public restrooms and mostly ovals at people's houses. So, my first thought was that the U-shaped seats were probably cheaper to make and consequently more attractive to the folks putting together public bathrooms. A quick survey of a handful of public restrooms revealed that ALL of them had U-shaped toilet seats--even one in a really expensive and upscale restaurant. That made me question the validity of my "cheapest option" conclusion. So, I did a little Internet research and discovered that United States plumbing code specifies that public restrooms have to used "open front" toilet seats! Yes! It's the law!! But why?

Well, apparently, they are considered both more sanitary and more comfortable. I'm not sure exactly how the sanitary thing works out--especially in women's public restrooms--nor am I really clear on how the comfortable thing works out--but those are the given reasons.

Anyway, while researching the issue, I stumbled across a site with details of the first time a toilet was ever shown on American broadcast television. It was on what was supposed to be the first episode of Leave it to Beaver, "Captain Jack." The episode actually got shelved for a while by the censors who refused to let a toilet be depicted on television. It aired after they compromised by shooting a single tight shot of the tank only. And why was a toilet part of the story at all? Well, the plot involved Wally and the Beaver trying to hide a BABY ALLIGATOR from their parents by keeping it in their toilet tank.

That's right, a baby alligator! Holy crap!! Too much for coincidence.

Oh, and the Helm #4 comes out next Wednesday! No alligators, no U-shaped toilet seats, no episodes of Leave it to Beaver, but it is the exciting conclusion of the mini-series! Be sure to check it out.

Helm #4 Release Date Set!

For any of you interested, I just heard from Dark Horse that the release date for issue #4 of the Helm will be November 19th, 2009.

Now, working from past experience, that's not a guarantee or anything, but it looks pretty solid at the moment.