So, I was just on Amazon and I happened to notice (not that I check...Okay, fine, I check) that the Helm was back in stock. And here I thought that the second print run wasn't due back from the printers until mid February!
Anyway, that seemed like a potential excuse to blog something, so here I am blogging. That's how it works.
I also mentioned HAIRCARE in the headline because people search for the term "Haircare" more than any other single term and I thought that all of those dangerously hair obsessed people out there could use a little break from the grinding weight of worrying about their hair. I know that I have long felt the victim of my thick and luxurious head of hair, so, as a kind of public service, I misleadingly mentioned Haircare, figuring that some people will stumble across this electrifying blog entry about the Helm being back in print, will pick up a copy, will take to heart the message that it's what's on the inside that matters and will finally find some modicum of relief from their crushing fear that their lives are worthless unless their hair looks like a satin sheet rippling in slow-motion every time they do a casual head toss. Which is not at all like the kind of head toss you might find in the Helm. In the Helm, a head toss might mean an actual head getting tossed about by a monster or something. And even if your hair looks ridiculously good all the time, it won't help you much if your head has been torn off and is being thrown around by a monster.
That's all I'm saying.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
And...the $999 Party's Over!
Well, the $999 used copy of the Helm graphic novel has been delisted from Amazon. I suppose this suggests that I was correct in my speculation that it was merely an error. It did seem like quite a markup and it was considerably higher priced than copies in similar condition. Oh well...
Unless... Unless what really happened was that the person who owned that $999 copy of the Helm--let's call her Jane Buck--suddenly realized that, in the grand scheme of things, money can't buy happiness and that, no matter how much money she might get for it, there would be a hole in her life and maybe even her soul if she let the one graphic novel that truly moved her slip through her fingers in the pursuit of material gain.
Yes! That's probably what happened.
Unless... Unless what really happened was that Jane woke up in the wee small hours because of a faint scraping sound coming from the richly appointed library of her mansion. Frightened, she rang the silent call button beside her bed to summon her hulking manservant Nixon. But, despite her insistent pressing, no one came to her room. Shivering in the chill air, she struggled into her white, silk dressing gown and took up a candelabra from the dresser. Silent as a ghost, lit only by the flickering flames of the candles, Jane descended the grand staircase toward the library. The mansion was as still as the grave except for the continuing sound of scraping. Scraping like the fingers of a skeletal hand, fumbling to claw its way from the cold hard ground.
As Jane neared the library she felt a sharp and sudden stab of fear. No, not fear for her safety--Jane was an expert in the ancient art of Chung Mu Quan--but fear that some intruder might be attempting to steal her most prized possession, her Very Good Condition copy of the Helm graphic novel by me, Jim Hardison.
Jane's breath caught in her throat at my mere mention of the Helm. She loved that graphic novel like no other graphic novel she'd read in 2010. She had only recently listed it on Amazon.com in a fit of pique when she'd learned that there was not yet a follow-up graphic novel in which she could read of the continuing adventures of her beloved Mathew Blurdy. Of course, she never truly intended to sell it--hence the ungodly high price--but what if someone had spotted the listing and then broken into her home to secure such a valuable copy? That was completely plausible.
Jane stepped to the door of the library, intending to fling it wide and catch the intruder in the act. But she hesitated, her hand on the cut crystal knob. No light streamed from beneath the door, and the character of the scratching struck her as oddly repellent in a kind of creepy, H.P. Lovecraft sort of way. What if it wasn't a crazed Amazon.com purchaser on the other side of that door, but some kind of Elder Being from dimensions outside of our own? Or worse, just a smell from out of time? A smell inexplicably capable of making a scratching sound and of stealing a comic that was voted one of the top ten great graphic novels for teens of 2010?
That thought settled Jane's hash. No smell from another dimension was going to steal her precious Helm, and there was no way she was going to continue the travesty of listing it for sale when she knew that she could not bear to be parted from it and that a second printing wouldn't be available for at least a month, possibly a month and a half! NO! She threw open the door and burst into the library like a plastic shopping bag full of water might burst into a library if it was tossed into the open door and just happened to burst as it crossed the threshold. Only, she didn't soak the tasteful oriental rug the way that water would have because she didn't literally burst, just figuratively.
She was confronted by a sight that made her blood run cold. Not literally. Blood pretty much only varies by a few tenths of a degree on its own--mostly staying around 98.6. There before her, lounging in his indecently revealing boxer briefs, was her faithful Nixon, reading her copy of the Helm and scratching his stubbly cleft chin with his own personal Discover card--not Jane's American Express Black card or even her Capital One Puce card-- but his own, $1000 limit Discover card.
"What?" Jane cried in semi-confusion. "Nixon...what are you doing? Why are you thumbing through my copy of the Helm?"
"I..." Nixon stammered. He had never been much of a talker. "I... Well, that is to say, Miss Jane... That is to say, I was..."
"You were trying to ascertain whether the copy of the Helm currently in my possession was in Very Good Condition so that you could determine whether it made sense to buy me the copy you found listed on Amazon for $999 and give it to me as a gift so as to convey your smoldering but hitherto unarticulated longing for me, based on the assumption that any copy of the Helm selling for that much money must be of superior quality and not knowing that it was the selfsame copy that you now hold in your powerful hand?" Jane asked huskily. She let the neck of her silk dressing gown, previously clutched tightly closed, fall just enough open to reveal the hint of the top of her perfect but heaving breasts.
"Yes'm," Nixon confessed, his alabaster cheeks flushing pink with embarrassment and passion.
"That's my copy listed," Jane whispered, and with that, she crushed the hulking bodyguard to her chest and covered his lips in firm but tender kisses that smelled of lavender and tasted of elderberry syrup.
Which is why the $999 copy of the Helm is no longer listed.
That's probably what happened.
Unless... Unless what really happened was that the person who owned that $999 copy of the Helm--let's call her Jane Buck--suddenly realized that, in the grand scheme of things, money can't buy happiness and that, no matter how much money she might get for it, there would be a hole in her life and maybe even her soul if she let the one graphic novel that truly moved her slip through her fingers in the pursuit of material gain.
Yes! That's probably what happened.
Unless... Unless what really happened was that Jane woke up in the wee small hours because of a faint scraping sound coming from the richly appointed library of her mansion. Frightened, she rang the silent call button beside her bed to summon her hulking manservant Nixon. But, despite her insistent pressing, no one came to her room. Shivering in the chill air, she struggled into her white, silk dressing gown and took up a candelabra from the dresser. Silent as a ghost, lit only by the flickering flames of the candles, Jane descended the grand staircase toward the library. The mansion was as still as the grave except for the continuing sound of scraping. Scraping like the fingers of a skeletal hand, fumbling to claw its way from the cold hard ground.
As Jane neared the library she felt a sharp and sudden stab of fear. No, not fear for her safety--Jane was an expert in the ancient art of Chung Mu Quan--but fear that some intruder might be attempting to steal her most prized possession, her Very Good Condition copy of the Helm graphic novel by me, Jim Hardison.
Jane's breath caught in her throat at my mere mention of the Helm. She loved that graphic novel like no other graphic novel she'd read in 2010. She had only recently listed it on Amazon.com in a fit of pique when she'd learned that there was not yet a follow-up graphic novel in which she could read of the continuing adventures of her beloved Mathew Blurdy. Of course, she never truly intended to sell it--hence the ungodly high price--but what if someone had spotted the listing and then broken into her home to secure such a valuable copy? That was completely plausible.
Jane stepped to the door of the library, intending to fling it wide and catch the intruder in the act. But she hesitated, her hand on the cut crystal knob. No light streamed from beneath the door, and the character of the scratching struck her as oddly repellent in a kind of creepy, H.P. Lovecraft sort of way. What if it wasn't a crazed Amazon.com purchaser on the other side of that door, but some kind of Elder Being from dimensions outside of our own? Or worse, just a smell from out of time? A smell inexplicably capable of making a scratching sound and of stealing a comic that was voted one of the top ten great graphic novels for teens of 2010?
That thought settled Jane's hash. No smell from another dimension was going to steal her precious Helm, and there was no way she was going to continue the travesty of listing it for sale when she knew that she could not bear to be parted from it and that a second printing wouldn't be available for at least a month, possibly a month and a half! NO! She threw open the door and burst into the library like a plastic shopping bag full of water might burst into a library if it was tossed into the open door and just happened to burst as it crossed the threshold. Only, she didn't soak the tasteful oriental rug the way that water would have because she didn't literally burst, just figuratively.
She was confronted by a sight that made her blood run cold. Not literally. Blood pretty much only varies by a few tenths of a degree on its own--mostly staying around 98.6. There before her, lounging in his indecently revealing boxer briefs, was her faithful Nixon, reading her copy of the Helm and scratching his stubbly cleft chin with his own personal Discover card--not Jane's American Express Black card or even her Capital One Puce card-- but his own, $1000 limit Discover card.
"What?" Jane cried in semi-confusion. "Nixon...what are you doing? Why are you thumbing through my copy of the Helm?"
"I..." Nixon stammered. He had never been much of a talker. "I... Well, that is to say, Miss Jane... That is to say, I was..."
"You were trying to ascertain whether the copy of the Helm currently in my possession was in Very Good Condition so that you could determine whether it made sense to buy me the copy you found listed on Amazon for $999 and give it to me as a gift so as to convey your smoldering but hitherto unarticulated longing for me, based on the assumption that any copy of the Helm selling for that much money must be of superior quality and not knowing that it was the selfsame copy that you now hold in your powerful hand?" Jane asked huskily. She let the neck of her silk dressing gown, previously clutched tightly closed, fall just enough open to reveal the hint of the top of her perfect but heaving breasts.
"Yes'm," Nixon confessed, his alabaster cheeks flushing pink with embarrassment and passion.
"That's my copy listed," Jane whispered, and with that, she crushed the hulking bodyguard to her chest and covered his lips in firm but tender kisses that smelled of lavender and tasted of elderberry syrup.
Which is why the $999 copy of the Helm is no longer listed.
That's probably what happened.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Sky High Helm!
Well, not that I'm vain or anything, but I was checking my Amazon.com author listing this morning and I happened to notice that there was a used copy of the Helm for sale for $999.00. Mind you, it was in "very good condition". I've been watching the prices of the used versions on Amazon for about a week now, not that I'm vain or anything, and have seen them steadily rise from a high of about $40 to more than $90.
Now, I know that the graphic novel version of the Helm is out of print at the moment, and of course, out of print books are more rare and therefor more costly than books that are readily available, but this new $999 price still seems a little steep. I got to wondering if perhaps the price was a mistake. There are several copies for sale in the $70- $90 range (as well as the $7.99- $9.99 range) so it's conceivable that someone just misplaced a decimal point when entering the price.
I have optimistically decided to take this ungodly high asking price at face value, not that I'm vain or anything, and assume that somewhere out there in the world there is a vendor who truly feels that a copy of the Helm in "very good condition" is worth about a thousand dollars.
Anyway, mistake or no, it seemed like a potential subject for a blog entry, and it makes me wonder how much an autographed copy might go for...
Now, I know that the graphic novel version of the Helm is out of print at the moment, and of course, out of print books are more rare and therefor more costly than books that are readily available, but this new $999 price still seems a little steep. I got to wondering if perhaps the price was a mistake. There are several copies for sale in the $70- $90 range (as well as the $7.99- $9.99 range) so it's conceivable that someone just misplaced a decimal point when entering the price.
I have optimistically decided to take this ungodly high asking price at face value, not that I'm vain or anything, and assume that somewhere out there in the world there is a vendor who truly feels that a copy of the Helm in "very good condition" is worth about a thousand dollars.
Anyway, mistake or no, it seemed like a potential subject for a blog entry, and it makes me wonder how much an autographed copy might go for...
Thursday, October 21, 2010
SOLD OUT! Oh, and Top Hats too.
I just found out that the first print run of the Helm has official SOLD OUT! A second print run is in the works at Dark Horse and should be hitting shelves soon. So now I can officially say that the Helm is entering its second American printing and about to enter its first French printing. In fact, I have already said that, not just in the preceding sentence, but on the first page of the Helm website! There's some self promotion for you!
In other news, Halloween is coming up and I still don't know what I'm going to be. Last year, I was Abe Lincoln, but I don't think I can do Abe two years running. I also don't want to be a Ringmaster again. Maybe I'll be Sir Topham Hatt.
Do you see a theme there? A connecting element? That's right, I'm a man who owns a collapsible silk Top Hat, which enables me to play any character known for having a silk top hat. But I am getting tired of hat based costumes. Maybe I'll have to think outside the hat this year. I'll keep you posted as the event draws closer.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Thong Wars!
Well! Thong Wars have begun on the Helm website. That's right, due to popular demand, there are now two stylish Helm themed thongs to choose from. And in true Helm style, they are all about conflict. 
The first is the warm and inviting "Welcome Warrior" thong on which Jill and Mathew are depicted in a sexy clinch from issue #2 of The Helm. The second is the harsh and combative "Entry Denied" thong on which Jill is seen kneeing Mathew in the testicles from issue #3. So, pick up one, or both, and signal your intent to all who glimpse your Helm thong!Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Stuff! Helm Stuff That Is!
Yup, we got stuff. Due to the crushing volume of fan requests, we have begun to offer Helm merchandise on The Helm website. What kind of merchandise, you ask? Well, mostly t-shirts, but there's also a coffee mug, a baseball cap, a bumper sticker and a thong. Yes, that's right, the only authorized Helm branded thong on the market is available right now at the Helm Store page. So, if you are in the mood for an awesome bit of Helm related memorabilia that will clearly indicate, like a blinding banner, that you are cool beyond measure, then head on over to the link below and blow your monthly bankroll on some stuff. Helm stuff that is. http://www.cafepress.com/gabproducts/7201633
Monday, June 21, 2010
Babies, Flaming Swords, Father's Day
So, I was just posting a review of Babies on The Flaming Sword. Babies is a very good documentary which I saw on Saturday night as a kind of early Father's Day thing. If you haven't seen Babies yet, it tracks the lives of four babies across the globe from birth to around a year old. I'd suggest seeing it. Although nothing explodes and no one fends off zombies with a broken 2 by 4 and a length of iron chain, it is worth seeing on the big screen because it has some really beautiful photography in it. It's not exactly what I was expecting, which is good. It was better than what I expected.
Anyway, just thought I'd make a note of it.
Oh, and if you've got an iPad and you've checked out the iPad version of the Helm, let me know what it's like. I tried to get an iPad but they were completely sold out. Not just partially sold out, or even mostly sold out, but completely, totally sold out. So, no iPad Helm for me.
Anyway, just thought I'd make a note of it.
Oh, and if you've got an iPad and you've checked out the iPad version of the Helm, let me know what it's like. I tried to get an iPad but they were completely sold out. Not just partially sold out, or even mostly sold out, but completely, totally sold out. So, no iPad Helm for me.
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