Comics: Pros, Cons, Neutrals and Fests

A shallow and lackluster meditation today. You probably shouldn't read this.

Pros: I just did a signing for The Helm at the Stumptown Comics Fest. That's me with the pen in the picture. I'm sure my experience is similar to that of everyone in comics today. It's getting difficult to deal with the vast throngs of autograph hungry fans. I have blisters on my Sharpie. I list the signing as a Pro although, arguably, it happened at a Con. I say arguably because the word Con doesn't appear in the name of the Stumptown Comics Fest. So, I guess you could make the case that it is not a Con. And there is a kind of feast involved. But that's beside the point. It was a fun fest (not a funfest) and I got to see a bunch of people I knew. It was also, roughly, the one year anniversary of my semi-immersion into comics. My baptism by paper. Last year, I went to the Stumptown Comics Fest as my first real introduction to the world of comics because I was writing the Helm and was eager to see what the culture was like. A definite pro: Friendly, crazily creative people, doing their quirky thing.

Cons: Some questionable smells--blame the high quirkiness factor. Despite it being a wonderful fest, the ventilation is poor and that leads to an occasional palpable funk. And another one: Poor sales. I just read that no comic sold more than 100,000 copies last month. First time since they started measuring that the numbers have been that low. Ouch. Seems like this economy is being particularly cruel to...well, everybody I guess, but comics especially. Anyway, and even if you don't normally buy comics, you should go out and buy a bunch. I did. Goon, Buffy, Umbrella Academy, Templar, Arizona, some other things I'll mention tomorrow. Buy some comics, let's get those numbers up.

Neutrals: Nope. I got nothing. Fruit Striped Gum? PRO! I LOVE IT! Pesto? CON! I HATE IT! Pizza? PRO! I LOVE IT! Dollar Rent A Car? CON! I HATE IT! Dr. Pepper? PRO! I LOVE IT! Diabetes? CON! I HATE IT! Chuck? PRO! I LOVE IT! Grey's Anatomy? CON! I HATE IT! Please note that I am speaking of the television series, which I have indicated by spelling Grey with an "e". I love the encyclopedia of anatomy which is spelled with an "a".

Fest: It's descended from the word Festivus and is related to the word feast. It has come to mean a celebration or party. I like celebrations and parties, but I don't really care for feasts. So there you go. I especially hate Thanksgiving. Should have gone in the Cons category.

Bottle Caps and Modern Urinals

I really like root-beer-flavored Bottle Caps. Even as an adult, I will literally eat them until they make me sick. I am, of course, referring to the candies made by the Nestle company under the Wonka label.

Eating root-beer-flavored Bottle Caps until they made me sick used to be a pretty tall order when I was a kid. Anyone who loves root-beer-flavored Bottle Caps knows that they are the most scarce of all of the flavors. You hardly ever hit two in a row. Orange is the most abundant flavor, and I hate the orange ones. I am constantly hitting runs of three or even four of them. I just throw the orange ones away, or offer them to friends who don't really understand Bottle Caps. These days though, I am capable of affording multiple rolls of Bottle Caps and I have no health minded grown up standing over my shoulder to discourage this behavior. I think that maybe I was supposed to become this health minded grown up, but it never happened. So now, I buy a handful of rolls and just comb through them for the root beer ones. Hence the danger of eating them until I feel sick. I think it takes about thirteen of them to start feeling like I should have stopped. Figuring there are an average of about four or five per roll, that means I have to buy four rolls, minimum, which usually means that I cross the thirteen line and eat more like twenty and then I feel sick.

You know, I only assume that the ones I like are actually the root beer ones. In rolls of Bottle Caps (as opposed to the bags) there are two different shades of brown, a pretty goldenish brown and an ugly grayish brown. One is supposed to be root beer and the other is cola. Neither really tastes like either root beer or cola, but the ones I like seem slightly more root beerish than cola-ish, so I've always assumed that's what they are. The ones I like, in case you couldn't tell by the favoritism of my description, are the pretty goldenish brown ones.

They are so good it's obnoxious. They have a delightful, melt-in-your-mouth quality unique amongst the Bottle Caps. I have just gone through a streak of sixteen other bottle caps with only one root beer flavored one. I think the rarity contributes to my devotion. I also really love the lemon-lime ones, but they only come in the flat packs and the Bottle Caps in the flat packs are far inferior to the ones in the rolls. They are almost a completely different candy apart from the name and the kind of strange premise that they are bottle cap shaped candies that taste vaguely like soda pop flavors. The ones in the bags are thinner and harder and have a much more pronounced bottle cap shape. I've often wondered why they are so different from their rolled brethren. It's really a wild, inexplicable inconsistency. But I digress.

I hate modern urinals--the ones that are really designy and sleek looking. I mean, sure I appreciate that they are like sophisticated works of minimalist modern art, but I feel awkward peeing on art. Or, into it. And worse, they often give the impression that they will not make particularly effective urine receptacles. They frequently look like their sleekly designed, sometimes even ironic, forms may please the eye, but splash the pee. I've always been kind of prissy in that regard. I'm not comfortable with splash back, or "quiet reflection" as the deeply religious might call it. I guess I'm not manly enough to be okay with it.

Anyway, I encountered both things yesterday on a trip to Dallas. I bought six rolls of Bottle Caps and had to pee in an overly stylish urinal twice. Strangely, even though I hated the modern urinal, its overall negative impact was just to put me off a bit. The Bottle Caps, which I love, have made me sick to my stomach. Because I had twenty-two of them. I guess it just proves that age old adage: "Curse not overmuch the beautiful receptacles of thy loin waters! Tis the lid shaped confections a man lovest best that profit him least."

Oh, and the Helm graphic novel has been nominated to the American Library Association's Great Graphic Novel for Teens Booklist. Whoo Hooo!

Drunken Raccoons and Chocolate Donuts

I was just out walking in the spring sunshine--kind of a rarity in Portland, Oregon at this time of year--to get some vitamin D and an old fashioned chocolate donut, when a big raccoon stumbled across my path. To give this some context, it was ten in the morning in a busy part of Northwest Portland and the raccoon seemed totally oblivious to the fact that, as a wild animal, he should be slinking about at night rather than meandering across the street in broad daylight.

This was a big raccoon too. The size of two cats or a mid-sized dog. He kind of startled me at first so that I stopped in my tracks. Raccoons don't really walk like cats or dogs. They have their own weird little gait which I suppose comes from walking on those dexterous and clever hands. That strange, arch backed walk quickly cues your brain that you are dealing with something different--even if you haven't fully registered what yet. Brains are good that way. They notice even the tinniest little things out of the ordinary and then give you a quick goose to make sure you know something is up. Anyway, this gigantic raccoon just sort of rolled out of a bush on the other side of the road, stumbled his way across the street and then cut right in front of me and headed off down the sidewalk from the direction I had just come. I don't think he even noticed me. He just kind of shambled away, bleary-eyed and stunned looking, kind of listing to one side.

At first, I thought something might be wrong with him--like maybe he just woke up, or he might have been hit by a car or was in the early stages of rabies. But then I looked back over at the bush he had fallen out of and there were a couple of empty beer bottles laying there. So, I think he may have been drunk. Just to see how snoggered he was, I turned and followed him. Animals are usually pretty attuned to being followed. They catch on right away and get all freaked out about it. But not this guy. He just kept staggering down the sidewalk, like a dude heading home after an all night party. I even yelled "Hey! Raccoon! Get off the sidewalk!" just as a public service gesture, but he wasn't phased at all, didn't even wince. This suggested to me that he did not yet have a hangover. He walked down to the end of the block, turned the corner and toddled out of sight. For my part, I continued back to my office and ate my chocolate donut.

It was delicious.

These Tweets Were Made For Walken

So, CWalken, the guy who appeared to be Christopher Walken, is no longer tweeting on Twitter. His account has been removed. There is no information about why, just a blank space where his "following" icon used to sit.

We unintentionally ex-followers speculated. Was it an impostor? A fake Walken? If so, the faker was funny. He really seemed to capture the Walken essence. Of course, what do I know of the Walken essence? I've never met the man, only seen him in films and appearances on Saturday Night Live and the like. I only know the face he decides to show the world through the work he's done. He might be a totally different guy in real life--a guy who doesn't say wonderfully ironic and slightly deranged things as a matter of course.

Anyway, Twitter became a darker place with the loss of CWalken.

And now, thanks to Google, I know what happened. At least a little. It wasn't Christopher Walken after all. His agent has confirmed that. Apparently, it was someone from a group called clusterflock. Twitter killed the account because they have a policy about pulling the accounts of people pretending to be people they aren't. Or maybe just people pretending to be Christopher Walken.

I'm still sad. CWalken may not have been the Actor Christopher Walken, but he wrote some really good stuff that I greatly enjoyed.

So long, CWalken! You will be missed.

Deluxe EOTB DVD Trilogy Edition!

Throw out your regular version DVD's, the long awaited Deluxe Blu-Ray DVD Special Edition of the Emperor Of The Bracelet Trilogy is finally out and well worth the wait and the $99 MSRP!

This boxed set contains all three films in their fully remastered, extended, director's cut versions as well as six "extras" DVD's that include never before released behind-the-scenes material detailing the art, special effects, casting and "book to screen" issues encountered when translating this classic series into blockbuster films. There's even a whole documentary about the "EOTB curse" that supposedly claimed the life of leading lady Lindia Barganza. I took off work today to watch and I'm just finished with the movies and finally getting started with the extras disks. All I can say is A HOO HAH! Popcorn and soda for dinner!

Starring veteran character actor Wayne T. Bruno in his endearingly comic role as Goonbung Darkenhelven the gnome theif, Dale Grandenburg in classic, over-the-top form as the Elf Lord Ivaldi and introducing the vivacious Lindia Barganza as the beguiling Princess Nalweegy, this EOTB set is a must have for any fan of epic sword and sorcery! By turns hilarious, tragic, thrilling and awe-inspiring, there has never been and is likely to never be, another cinematic experience quite like this.

Six out of five stars! Three out of two thumbs up! And whatever grade is higher than A++! Highly recommended!!

Four out of Five Dentists Recommend the Helm Trade Paperback!

A pair of reviews just beat the Helm TPB to press! The Helm Volume 1 comes out tomorrow, but two reviews went up today.

The first was on Girls Entertainment Network by Stephanie Carmichael and gave the Helm a rating of 4 out of 5. I'm not sure 4 out of 5 what, but 4 out of 5 anything sounds pretty good to me! It could be 4 out of 5 dentists, which was good enough for Trident and is consequently good enough for the Helm. You can read the full review at http://www.girlsentertainmentnetwork.com/graphic-novel-review-the-helm/

The second review was on Around Comics and reviewer Brion Salazar said, "I really enjoyed this mini series in singles. The story was funny and should speak to the inner fanboy in all of us. Bart Sears art was some of his best." That seemed pretty positive to me, and I absolutely agree about the Bart Sears comment too. You can read the review at http://www.aroundcomics.com/index.php/Blog/ although I have quoted the entire review above. Yes, short, sweet and to the point. You have to love that Brion Salazar!

Now, all I have to do is hope that the book actually comes out tomorrow! Comics are unreliable!

More Hair and Merkin Muffley too!

I was reading again today about how online content about hair draws more traffic than any other topic. That just seems weird to me. Or really vain or something. Who are all of these people looking for content about hair? So anyway, I started thinking about how it might be fun to blog about hair, but in a way that would potentially be offensive to the kind of people who are normally online searching for content about hair. You know, just for fun. Because it's late.

For instance, I might write about hair from the perspective of nose hair styling. Nose hair styling is topic near and dear to the heart of my nose-hair-stylist, Lon. Lon's been coiffing the nasal hair of America's hottest celebrities for over a decade. His work goes well beyond the standard trim and tweeze. Lon's a nose hair genius. Looking for a nose hair dye job? Want your nose hair braided? Need nose hair extensions? Call Lon.

Of course, I could always write about the hair incorporated in merkins. Pubic toupees. Then the people searching for legitimate hair information can accidentally find out that many pubic wigs are made from Yak hair. Or that Peter Sellers played a president named Merkin Muffley. Or that it's rumored that Sienna Miller had to have her pubic hair digitally enhanced for a film role because the merkin they tried didn't look realistic enough. Which makes me think of Bruce Willis in Hudson Hawk. Because of how the hair on his head had to be digitally retouched--not because he wore a merkin. Although, I suppose he may have worn a merkin for the filming. There's just no way to tell based on the existing cut of the film.

Anyway, take that you hair content seeking Internet users! Give it a rest!