The Helm Blog

MasterBeast, Zebracorns and the Mind Chicken

2011-12-02T14:03:00.001-08:00

Well, Mathew has finally done it. He's begun posting the work in progress of his MasterBeast concept album. He keeps telling me that his "vision" has something to do with Pink Floyd's The Dark Side of the Moon and The Wizard of Oz, even though I thought that the link between those two wonderful bits of entertainment had been thoroughly debunked ages ago.

When I asked Mathew about the concept behind his concept album, he started rambling on and on about fate and free will, which he said were symbolized by the conflict between two creatures he called the Zebracorn and the Mind Chicken. He wasn't completely clear about it, but as near as I can make out, the Zebracorn represents fate and the Mind Chicken represents free will.

Anyway, check out the MasterBeast page on the website for more on this breaking story.

Lord of the Pez

2011-09-29T10:10:00.000-07:00

So, I was in the story this morning, buying lollipops to stick in the head of a baby doll, when I came across the Lord of the Rings Limited Edition Collector's Series Pez set! And I thought, "Wow. I need to have that for a number of reasons."

The first thing is that the Pez dispenser figures are different heights. They could have made all of these Pez dispensers the same height, but they didn't. They made the hobbits, the dwarf and Gollum short. That is what I call attention to detail.

The second thing is that Gandalf won't meet your eyes. Each of the other seven Pez characters is looking right at you, bold as brass, but not Gandalf. He's kind of scowling and looking off to his left, as if he's lost in thought or perhaps slightly embarrassed to be a Pez dispenser.

The third thing is that only Biblo and Gollum are smiling. You know what that is? That's symbolic. Bilbo started the whole thing, and Gollum finished it, so really, these are the two guys who are responsible for everyone else becoming Pez dispensers! And apparently, they're really enjoying it. Especially Gollum. If I didn't know anything about the story, I'd think he was a happy character and possibly a comic relief element. Maybe he's just thrilled that a completely CG character got his own Pez dispenser. Maybe that's it.

Fourth, Samwise Gamgee looks like he's going to puke and Frodo Baggins looks kind of like a young John Lennon.

Fifth, Aragorn's mustache.

And sixth, it's Lord of the Rings done in Pez. It makes me want to shoot my own stop-motion, 13 hour version of the trilogy, completely recreated with Pez dispensers. Or, at least maybe a recreation of one of the trailers. A short one.

Coincidental Narnia

2011-09-23T17:16:00.000-07:00

Something's up with Narnia.

It's just come up way too many times in a coincidental way in the last few weeks. First, there's the whole Lev Grossman The Magician King connection. If you haven't read the Magician King, it's the excellent sequel to The Magicians. The series is sort of like Chronicles of Narnia meets Harry Potter meets Buffy the Vampire Slayer with a little John Dies at the End sensibility. Really enjoyed the new one. Then, of course, there's the Axe Cop tie in. Axe Cop goes to Narnia and battles the White Witch. If you haven't read Axe Cop, you are really missing something good. Axe Cop is written by 5-year-old Malachai Nicolle and illustrated by his 29-year-old brother Ethan Nicolle. And it's awesome. Kind of like a cop with an axe meets a 5-year-old's outlook on life. Anyway, both The Magician King and Axe Cop have got Narnia on my mind.

Well, they got Narnia on my mind in a different way than it already was. See, I've been reading all of the Narnia books to my five-year-old for the last several months, so Narnia was already on my mind. But The Magician King and Axe Cop messed with that. And then, last night, my daughter and I finished The Last Battle.

I don't know when the last time was that you read The Last Battle, but there's a lot of weird and intense metaphoric stuff going on in there that makes you just think, "hmmmmmm". So, I expect something Narnian is going to happen any minute now. I hope Aslan doesn't claw me for writing The Helm. He's not a tame lion, you know.

Anyway, let me know if anything Narnian happens to you over the next few days.

REQUIRED READING: ENGLISH 406 Literature for Young Adults

2011-09-08T09:31:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I google The Helm to see if anyone is posting anything interesting about it.

Yes, that's kind of self-infatuated behavior, but I never said I wasn't self-infatuated. And if I don't google it, I don't think anyone else will. The Helm's not going to just google itself, you know. Anyway, today I got a link to a college syllabus that features The Helm as required reading! Required Reading!! Whoo Hoooo! People are being forced to read The Helm!!! For college!!!

The class is called Literature for Young Adults: Postmodern Adolescence and it's worth 3 credit hours. The Helm is on the same list as books by Neil Gaimen (Death, the High Cost of Living) and Suzanne Collins (The Hunger Games), which is pretty cool. At least, it's pretty cool for me. I don't know how Neil and Suzanne feel about it.

Okay, so there's also a book by Stephenie Meyer (Breaking Dawn) on the list. I haven't actually read any of the Twilight books, but I have seen the movies and I like two of them.

Stephenie Meyer, I know you read this blog religiously and I'm sorry if I've surprised you by revealing on such a public forum, read by millions, that I didn't like one of your Twilight movies and that I haven't read your books. I have simply been too busy googling The Helm and The Creature from Lake Michigan and my various other wildly successful intellectual properties to get to them. I will strive to do better in the future.

Suggested Chewbaccas

2011-06-15T22:05:00.001-07:00

Well, the Chewbacca suggestions keep rolling in and Mathew keeps whipping them up. Betty Chew Crocka was suggested by Nick C., Lady Chewgaga was suggested by Sara K., Lucy LuiBacca was suggested by Jim B. and Abaccaham Lincoln was suggested by Susan.

Keep the suggestions coming and Mathew will keep the mashups flowing! Thanks!

Chewbacca Shocka

2011-06-12T10:15:00.000-07:00

Well, Mathew was kind of surprised to find the Chewbacca page getting so many hits! He's not normally used to anyone paying any attention to his artistic endeavors, unless it's his mother, yelling at him because he's playing his Gibson Corvus too loud. The Helm even thought it was a mistake, but the visitors keep coming.

Anyway, Mathew wanted me to post a blog entry to invite anyone who is interested to submit their own ideas for Chewbacca mashups which he will use his clumsy Photoshop skills to try to realize to the degree he thinks they're funny. He'll even list your name if it was your idea. Just post a comment to this blog entry with your suggestion.

He also wanted me to remind everyone that he is still busily working on his rock-opera/concept album Master Beastie .

Anyway.

New Stuff and Chewbacca Too!

2011-04-30T22:06:00.001-07:00

That's right. I just put up some new stuff on The Helm website. Two new pages actually. One is bios and pictures of the folks who worked on The Helm. I probably should have put that page up several years ago, but for some reason, it didn't occur to me until about a week ago. Anyway, it's up now and you can look at it at http://www.thehelmcomic.com/bios.html to find information about all of your favorite Helm related people, like artists Bart Sears, Randy Elliott and Dan Jackson, or fabulous editor Dave Land.

The other new page is the Chewbacca page. Mathew has a great and abiding love of Chewbacca and wanted to put up a page that featured his Chewbacca based artworks. You can check that out at http://www.thehelmcomic.com/chewbacca.html This page will feature a new Chewbacca-based mash up artwork every week.

And is there other stuff to talk about? Nope. Nothing.

The Helm Banned in China! Well... probably

2011-04-14T08:50:00.000-07:00

Apparently, the Chinese government just issued new entertainment guidelines meant to discourage "fantasy, time-travel, random compilations of mythical stories, bizarre plots, absurd techniques, even propagating feudal superstitions, fatalism and reincarnation, ambiguous moral lessons, and a lack of positive thinking."

Now, while this announcement has left a lot of people scratching their heads and wondering what the Chinese are doing, it seems perfectly clear to me that this is a well disguised attempt to specifically block The Helm from reaching China and transforming their civilization with its amazing power. I'm pretty sure that they heard that The Helm was getting published in France and became very concerned that their country was next.

Apart from the time travel bit, they've pretty much covered all of The Helm's bases! Those Chinese are thorough!

Misplaced Priorities and Bart Sears

2011-03-31T16:52:00.000-07:00

I just posted a new movie review on the Flaming Sword page of the Helm site and realized that it's been months since I've seen a movie on the big screen and even longer since I've reviewed one on the Helm site! Holy Crap! I have my priorities all wrong! I guess I should make a current year's resolution to see more movies, write more movie reviews and generally consume more pop culture while I am still young enough to enjoy it.

In other news, Bart Sears was kind enough to give me the original cover art work for the Helm #1 as a gift! Not only is the guy an amazing artist, but apparently a pretty nice guy too. He's doing some really cool things over at his new gig Ominous Studios. Check out his site at http://www.ominousstudios.com/index.html

Okay, I suppose that's it for today.

Bulls Eye

2011-03-30T11:32:00.001-07:00

Well, I haven't blogged any Helm stuff since January, so it seemed like time to post something. Conveniently, I just happened to notice this morning that The Helm is for sale at Target. Well, at target.com anyway.

I was surprised to see The Helm at Target because... well... it's Target. That would be like finding the Helm available at Walmart. Thinking about that caused me to search the Walmart website to see if The Helm actually was available there. Nope. But the Walmart website was so kind as to refer me to the website for Barnes and Noble. On the Barnes and Noble site, The Helm is cheaper by $2.18! Now that's some savings!

That got me wondering how the B&N price stacked up against the price at Amazon. They were the same--which isn't all that interesting except that they are both cheaper than the listing at Things from Another World. Cheaper by $2.93! That is surprising because TFAW is the retail outlet for Dark Horse comics, publisher of The Helm--where I guess I would have expected to get the best price anywhere.

What does all of this mean? Nothing really except that I have work to do and that the internet is the most dangerous invention ever created as far as writers are concerned.

Haircare! And, the Helm is Back! In Print, That Is!

2011-01-31T16:17:00.001-08:00

So, I was just on Amazon and I happened to notice (not that I check...Okay, fine, I check) that the Helm was back in stock. And here I thought that the second print run wasn't due back from the printers until mid February!

Anyway, that seemed like a potential excuse to blog something, so here I am blogging. That's how it works.

I also mentioned HAIRCARE in the headline because people search for the term "Haircare" more than any other single term and I thought that all of those dangerously hair obsessed people out there could use a little break from the grinding weight of worrying about their hair. I know that I have long felt the victim of my thick and luxurious head of hair, so, as a kind of public service, I misleadingly mentioned Haircare, figuring that some people will stumble across this electrifying blog entry about the Helm being back in print, will pick up a copy, will take to heart the message that it's what's on the inside that matters and will finally find some modicum of relief from their crushing fear that their lives are worthless unless their hair looks like a satin sheet rippling in slow-motion every time they do a casual head toss. Which is not at all like the kind of head toss you might find in the Helm. In the Helm, a head toss might mean an actual head getting tossed about by a monster or something. And even if your hair looks ridiculously good all the time, it won't help you much if your head has been torn off and is being thrown around by a monster.

That's all I'm saying.

And...the $999 Party's Over!

2011-01-11T09:33:00.000-08:00

Well, the $999 used copy of the Helm graphic novel has been delisted from Amazon. I suppose this suggests that I was correct in my speculation that it was merely an error. It did seem like quite a markup and it was considerably higher priced than copies in similar condition. Oh well...

Unless... Unless what really happened was that the person who owned that $999 copy of the Helm--let's call her Jane Buck--suddenly realized that, in the grand scheme of things, money can't buy happiness and that, no matter how much money she might get for it, there would be a hole in her life and maybe even her soul if she let the one graphic novel that truly moved her slip through her fingers in the pursuit of material gain.

Yes! That's probably what happened.

Unless... Unless what really happened was that Jane woke up in the wee small hours because of a faint scraping sound coming from the richly appointed library of her mansion. Frightened, she rang the silent call button beside her bed to summon her hulking manservant Nixon. But, despite her insistent pressing, no one came to her room. Shivering in the chill air, she struggled into her white, silk dressing gown and took up a candelabra from the dresser. Silent as a ghost, lit only by the flickering flames of the candles, Jane descended the grand staircase toward the library. The mansion was as still as the grave except for the continuing sound of scraping. Scraping like the fingers of a skeletal hand, fumbling to claw its way from the cold hard ground.

As Jane neared the library she felt a sharp and sudden stab of fear. No, not fear for her safety--Jane was an expert in the ancient art of Chung Mu Quan--but fear that some intruder might be attempting to steal her most prized possession, her Very Good Condition copy of the Helm graphic novel by me, Jim Hardison.

Jane's breath caught in her throat at my mere mention of the Helm. She loved that graphic novel like no other graphic novel she'd read in 2010. She had only recently listed it on Amazon.com in a fit of pique when she'd learned that there was not yet a follow-up graphic novel in which she could read of the continuing adventures of her beloved Mathew Blurdy. Of course, she never truly intended to sell it--hence the ungodly high price--but what if someone had spotted the listing and then broken into her home to secure such a valuable copy? That was completely plausible.

Jane stepped to the door of the library, intending to fling it wide and catch the intruder in the act. But she hesitated, her hand on the cut crystal knob. No light streamed from beneath the door, and the character of the scratching struck her as oddly repellent in a kind of creepy, H.P. Lovecraft sort of way. What if it wasn't a crazed Amazon.com purchaser on the other side of that door, but some kind of Elder Being from dimensions outside of our own? Or worse, just a smell from out of time? A smell inexplicably capable of making a scratching sound and of stealing a comic that was voted one of the top ten great graphic novels for teens of 2010?

That thought settled Jane's hash. No smell from another dimension was going to steal her precious Helm, and there was no way she was going to continue the travesty of listing it for sale when she knew that she could not bear to be parted from it and that a second printing wouldn't be available for at least a month, possibly a month and a half! NO! She threw open the door and burst into the library like a plastic shopping bag full of water might burst into a library if it was tossed into the open door and just happened to burst as it crossed the threshold. Only, she didn't soak the tasteful oriental rug the way that water would have because she didn't literally burst, just figuratively.

She was confronted by a sight that made her blood run cold. Not literally. Blood pretty much only varies by a few tenths of a degree on its own--mostly staying around 98.6. There before her, lounging in his indecently revealing boxer briefs, was her faithful Nixon, reading her copy of the Helm and scratching his stubbly cleft chin with his own personal Discover card--not Jane's American Express Black card or even her Capital One Puce card-- but his own, $1000 limit Discover card.

"What?" Jane cried in semi-confusion. "Nixon...what are you doing? Why are you thumbing through my copy of the Helm?"

"I..." Nixon stammered. He had never been much of a talker. "I... Well, that is to say, Miss Jane... That is to say, I was..."

"You were trying to ascertain whether the copy of the Helm currently in my possession was in Very Good Condition so that you could determine whether it made sense to buy me the copy you found listed on Amazon for $999 and give it to me as a gift so as to convey your smoldering but hitherto unarticulated longing for me, based on the assumption that any copy of the Helm selling for that much money must be of superior quality and not knowing that it was the selfsame copy that you now hold in your powerful hand?" Jane asked huskily. She let the neck of her silk dressing gown, previously clutched tightly closed, fall just enough open to reveal the hint of the top of her perfect but heaving breasts.

"Yes'm," Nixon confessed, his alabaster cheeks flushing pink with embarrassment and passion.

"That's my copy listed," Jane whispered, and with that, she crushed the hulking bodyguard to her chest and covered his lips in firm but tender kisses that smelled of lavender and tasted of elderberry syrup.

Which is why the $999 copy of the Helm is no longer listed.

That's probably what happened.

Sky High Helm!

2011-01-10T15:48:00.000-08:00

Well, not that I'm vain or anything, but I was checking my Amazon.com author listing this morning and I happened to notice that there was a used copy of the Helm for sale for $999.00. Mind you, it was in "very good condition". I've been watching the prices of the used versions on Amazon for about a week now, not that I'm vain or anything, and have seen them steadily rise from a high of about $40 to more than $90.

Now, I know that the graphic novel version of the Helm is out of print at the moment, and of course, out of print books are more rare and therefor more costly than books that are readily available, but this new $999 price still seems a little steep. I got to wondering if perhaps the price was a mistake. There are several copies for sale in the $70- $90 range (as well as the $7.99- $9.99 range) so it's conceivable that someone just misplaced a decimal point when entering the price.

I have optimistically decided to take this ungodly high asking price at face value, not that I'm vain or anything, and assume that somewhere out there in the world there is a vendor who truly feels that a copy of the Helm in "very good condition" is worth about a thousand dollars.

Anyway, mistake or no, it seemed like a potential subject for a blog entry, and it makes me wonder how much an autographed copy might go for...

The 2nd Edition is Coming!!

2010-12-20T12:04:00.001-08:00

That's right! The second printing of the Helm is due in stores by the end of February! Just on time for right after the holidays!

Wait... what? Just on time for right after the holidays? Yes. Sorry about that.

I know, from the vast number of letters that arrive at Helm-central every day, that there are vast masses of people out there who were planning to give the gift of The Helm as part of their various denominational and non-denominational holiday celebrations. These vast numbers of people will have to resort to the new and used issues available on Amazon or any other hold-out copies floating around at comic book shops across the nation and the world. In fact, I have noted that there's a new copy now being offered for $79.00 on Amazon.

So, here is my suggestion: give promissory notes.

Vast Masses, if you were intending to give a new copy of The Helm as a gift before the end of the year, make attractive cards containing vouchers for copies of the Helm to be redeemed at the end of February! In fact, you can go on line to the official Helm website at www.thehelmcomic.com and download some cool Helm related images and use them to make your cards and vouchers super attractive and official looking!

Because we care.

SOLD OUT! Oh, and Top Hats too.

2010-10-21T11:32:00.000-07:00

I just found out that the first print run of the Helm has official SOLD OUT! A second print run is in the works at Dark Horse and should be hitting shelves soon. So now I can officially say that the Helm is entering its second American printing and about to enter its first French printing. In fact, I have already said that, not just in the preceding sentence, but on the first page of the Helm website! There's some self promotion for you!

In other news, Halloween is coming up and I still don't know what I'm going to be. Last year, I was Abe Lincoln, but I don't think I can do Abe two years running. I also don't want to be a Ringmaster again. Maybe I'll be Sir Topham Hatt.

Do you see a theme there? A connecting element? That's right, I'm a man who owns a collapsible silk Top Hat, which enables me to play any character known for having a silk top hat. But I am getting tired of hat based costumes. Maybe I'll have to think outside the hat this year. I'll keep you posted as the event draws closer.

Thong Wars!

2010-06-23T17:17:00.001-07:00

Well! Thong Wars have begun on the Helm website. That's right, due to popular demand, there are now two stylish Helm themed thongs to choose from. And in true Helm style, they are all about conflict.

The first is the warm and inviting "Welcome Warrior" thong on which Jill and Mathew are depicted in a sexy clinch from issue #2 of The Helm. The second is the harsh and combative "Entry Denied" thong on which Jill is seen kneeing Mathew in the testicles from issue #3. So, pick up one, or both, and signal your intent to all who glimpse your Helm thong!

Stuff! Helm Stuff That Is!

2010-06-22T16:42:00.000-07:00

Yup, we got stuff. Due to the crushing volume of fan requests, we have begun to offer Helm merchandise on The Helm website. What kind of merchandise, you ask? Well, mostly t-shirts, but there's also a coffee mug, a baseball cap, a bumper sticker and a thong. Yes, that's right, the only authorized Helm branded thong on the market is available right now at the Helm Store page. So, if you are in the mood for an awesome bit of Helm related memorabilia that will clearly indicate, like a blinding banner, that you are cool beyond measure, then head on over to the link below and blow your monthly bankroll on some stuff. Helm stuff that is. http://www.cafepress.com/gabproducts/7201633

Babies, Flaming Swords, Father's Day

2010-06-21T13:56:00.000-07:00

So, I was just posting a review of Babies on The Flaming Sword. Babies is a very good documentary which I saw on Saturday night as a kind of early Father's Day thing. If you haven't seen Babies yet, it tracks the lives of four babies across the globe from birth to around a year old. I'd suggest seeing it. Although nothing explodes and no one fends off zombies with a broken 2 by 4 and a length of iron chain, it is worth seeing on the big screen because it has some really beautiful photography in it. It's not exactly what I was expecting, which is good. It was better than what I expected.

Anyway, just thought I'd make a note of it.

Oh, and if you've got an iPad and you've checked out the iPad version of the Helm, let me know what it's like. I tried to get an iPad but they were completely sold out. Not just partially sold out, or even mostly sold out, but completely, totally sold out. So, no iPad Helm for me.

The Helm in French and iPhone!!

2010-06-18T22:55:00.001-07:00

New Helm news!

The Helm is going to be published in French language print and digital versions for France, Belgium, Switzerland and Canada by French publisher Bragelonne! And, as if that's not enough, both Comixology and Panelfly began offering the Helm for iPhone and iPad on June 18th, 2010!

So, now you can read The Helm on your iPhone, or in France, or even on your iPhone in France! Holy crap! Maybe Jerry Lewis will read even it now. He's been pretty busy lately, but with the whole French connection, who knows?

SDCC!

2010-06-02T23:45:00.000-07:00

So, looks like I'll be attending the SDCC this year. Anybody else got SDCC plans?

The Flaming Sword

2010-04-29T14:23:00.001-07:00

Hey folks,

There's a new page up on the Helm Website: The Flaming Sword. It's a review site where Mathew and the Helm rave or rant about books, movies, TV, music, games or whatever. The inaugural review is of the movie Kick Ass. Check out the page and see how many flaming swords the boys gave the movie by clicking this link: FLAMER

Mint Condition Copy of The Helm Available for $1.5 Million

2010-03-31T13:17:00.000-07:00

That's right. And what's more, I have several mint condition copies of The Helm available at this astonishingly good price so that anyone with $1.5 million can buy their own. You see, The Helm is not just for the elite few, it is a comic book for regular folks--especially those who happen to have $1.5 million to spend on a single graphic novel.

Now, I know what you're thinking. $1.5 million? Isn't that a little...cheap? Yes, you're right. If I go by the popular pricing model, I'm undervaluing mint condition copies of The Helm by nearly $223.5 million. So, what am I thinking? Yes, I know that Action Comics #1 originally sold for only ten cents and it just went at auction for $1.5 million, whereas The Helm has a list price of $14.95--that's nearly 150 times more than Action Comics #1. I know that means that The Helm should sell for almost $225 million--it's just simple math. Even a rat could figure that out. Well, a genetically modified rat with an enlarged brain capable of conceptualizing the idea of math and then doing simple calculations like multiplication. But, and this is important to me, I want The Helm to remain a graphic novel for the masses. If I restrict the book only to people who can afford to pay hundreds of millions of dollars for it, I'll be limited to a pretty small audience. Sure, I'd only need to sell four or five copies a year to maintain my modest lifestyle, but I'd miss the satisfaction of knowing the book was being read not just by a handful of chortling billionaires but by dozens of other, less massively wealthy (but still rich) people.

Also, I'd have to live with the serious possibility that people who could afford to pay $225 million for a copy wouldn't actually read it, but would probably put it in a vault or something so as to protect their investment. I didn't write The Helm so that it could languish in Bill Gate's or Phil Knight's comics vault (no offense Bill or Phil--having been in both your comics vaults, I understand and respect what you are doing.) I wrote The Helm so that fantastically wealthy teenagers could delight in its pages. So that ostentatiously rich 40-year-old males with great computer but poor social skills could thrill to the adventures of Mathew Blurdy. I wrote The Helm so that people with the modest sum of $1.5 million dollars to spend on a single comic book could enjoy a full graphic novel just like people with hundreds of times that much money.

And so, as a matter of principle, I won't accept a penny over $1.5 million for a mint condition copy of The Helm. Unless it is autographed.

PLA Signing

2010-03-29T15:37:00.001-07:00

Just wanted to say thanks to all the folks who stopped by the Dark Horse booth at the Public Library Association show at the Oregon Convention Center for The Helm signing. It was great meeting you all! And thanks again to YALSA for naming The Helm one of the top ten Great Graphic Novels for Teens of 2010.

Hair, the PLA and Some Musings

2010-03-10T00:31:00.000-08:00

So, after viewing my glorious Google Analytics results, I see that the couple of posts that I've done about hair continue to be the most viewed posts on this blog. Which is rewarding because I only wrote those posts after reading an article that said that blogs about hair were the most commonly searched and read items on the internet.

This suggests that if I want any news to get read in the Helm blog that I should make sure to include some prominent reference to hair in it. Which is not what I'm doing now, although it is what I am doing now.

In non-hair related news, it looks like I will be doing a signing at the PLA (Public Library Association) convention in Portland later this month! I love those Library Association people. Librarians I guess. Ever since the YALSA people put The Helm on their Top Ten Great Graphic Novels for Teens list, sales have been up and lots of new people have been visiting the Website. So, here's a shout out to all of the Helm reading Librarians out there! THANKS! And, WAY TO GO!

One small thing. When Dark Horse asked me to do a signing at the PLA show, I thought for a second they were talking about the PLA of the PLO. Of course, the Palestine Liberation Organization is not connected to the Public Library Association as far as I'm aware except for by the P and the L. But, since the PLO was founded the year I was born, and since the PLA is the military wing of the PLO, you can see why I was concerned. Anyway, it got me thinking that it might be cool if there was a Public Library Army that served as the militant wing of the Public Library. They could make sure overdue book fines are paid on time or really throw down on folks who don't read enough books. Or attack people who bend down the corners of pages to mark where they are in books. That's defacing literature.

Another small concern--while the PLA stands for the Public Library Association (a division of the American Library Association), there is also a PLA that stands for the Punjab Library Association. I'd hate to have anyone confuse the two. That's the trouble with those three letters. They're really popular for organization names. Not only do we have the Palestine Liberation Army and the Punjab Library Association to worry about, there's also the Party of Labor of Albania (which really ought to be the PoLoA) as well as the Port of London Authority, the Phone Losers of America and the Pre-school Learning Alliance. And I'm not even getting into the computer science Principle of Least Astonishment (which really ought to be PoLA).

But, I digress. Or, at least I would be digressing if this entry actually had a point from which I could veer. But it doesn't, so technically, I don't.

Community Booster and a Plea to the Neilsen Families

2010-02-11T10:33:00.000-08:00

I read in today's paper (the Oregonian) that the show Community (NBC, Thursday nights) is not doing well in the ratings and might not be picked up for another season. NO! So, here's me being a Community booster. The show is really funny and it would be a shame if it was cancelled because of low ratings. Not just a shame, it would be stupid.

The title comes from the fact that the show is set at a community college where a disbarred lawyer is struggling to get his college degree and his life back in order as the leader of a pack of nerdy misfits. May not sound hilarious, but much hilarity ensues. The show features Chevy Chase--which may be a turn off for some people, but he's really funny on Community--although he's by no means the star. The rest of the cast are all great and each character has their own funny subplots and back stories built around their particular reason for being at a community college. Plus, the show just has a lot of tight, snarky, pop culture humor that makes it a blast to watch. They've already had a character dressed as the Beastmaster while whacked out on a combination of Viagra and hallucinogenic drugs for God's sake! And the very funny actor Ken Jeong (Knocked Up, Pineapple Express, Role Models, the Hangover and Couples Retreat) is great as the Asian Spanish teacher Senor Chang.

Apart from all of that, I love the show because it reminds me of my own experience at community college. Yes, that's right. I went to Harper College for a year when I was trying to "figure out what to do with my life" but before I had embarked on the path that eventually led to my current, fabulous career. And you know what? It was just like Community (only less funny at the time.)

So, skip Vampire Diaries (aren't we all getting tired of angsty, good-looking-vampire-boy-toys?) or record it, and watch Community. Especially you Nielsen Ratings families.

In fact, as long as you Nielsen Ratings families are reading this, can you please just start watching better shows in general? You guys watch some real crap and it winds up getting a bunch of great shows (that I'm sure scads of other people are watching) cancelled. Really, do us all a favor and please try some more science fiction, some more horror, some more great comedy. Expand your horizons. The world of television has so much to offer you...

Okay.

Blitzkrieg of the Flower People

2010-02-09T15:44:00.000-08:00

So, I've gotten twenty-nine emails in the past two days from various on-line flower shops trying desperately to remind me that Valentine's Day is approaching and I will feel like a robot-style cold-blooded jerk if I don't send a big bunch of flowers to everyone I know, but especially my wife.

Twenty-nine emails is such a dramatic jump in the volume of communications from the flower people over previous years that it has started me speculating that maybe they are in severe financial straights or something. You know, what with the recent global economic meltdown and the toughest financial conditions since the Great Depression.

Ah, the Great Depression. I've been hearing an awful lot of references to the Great Depression lately--but somehow, the conditions I see around me don't seem to really stack up to that level of global calamity and misfortune. Sure, times are tough--don't get me wrong--but they're not as tough as they were for as many people. Folks are still buying Taco Bell and Oreo Cookies. Still watching enough DVD's to keep those red kiosks in business and ensure that Lion King Two is never available to rent when my kids want to watch it.

Of course, all of this depression era thinking and self reflection has got me wondering about whether people even celebrated Valentine's Day during the Great Depression or whether it's just another one of those holidays made up by the greeting card, candy and flower people to milk us out of more of our hard earned cash during a global economic crisis in which we need it more than ever. Boy, they would sure be robot-style cold-blooded jerks if they were up to something as nefarious as that!

Well, as it turns out, Valentine's Day isn't just a recent addition to the calendar and people were celebrating it, not just during the Great Depression, but since 496 AD. Which is a while ago. I mean, 496 AD makes Valentine's Day a contemporary of Christmas. That's old.

So, anyway, I guess that's legitimate enough to clear the names of the greeting card, candy and flower people this time. They didn't manufacture the holiday out of whole cloth the way they did with Secretary's Day and the Fourth of July. Still, twenty-nine emails is about twenty-eight emails too many. Enough with the constant bombardment! My wife doesn't want flowers! That would be too easy.

I got a Brazilian

2010-01-29T09:36:00.000-08:00

That's right! I got a Brazilian. It makes me blush a little to say so because I'm modest, but it's true.

I was checking the stats on the Helm Website and saw that someone from Sao Paulo, Brazil was on the site! I don't know who it was specifically, but I have my suspicions.

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Hey, isn't Brazil the fifth largest nation by population? Don't they have something like 192 million people living there and more than 10 million of them in Sao Paulo alone?"

Well, aren't you a cynical smarty pants. Yes, they have all of those people there, but how many of them read comic books? And really, how many of them would enjoy the Helm so much that they'd check out the website? There's only maybe three or four possibilities. In Sao Paulo, I mean. The Helm is absolutely huge amongst the 67 or so uncontacted tribes of Brazil, but they don't have computers with which to visit the Website. We air drop the copies to them after translating them into the various native dialects.

Anyway, given the browser my Brazilian used, and that he is in Sao Paulo, I think it's probably Luiz. In fact, it pretty much has to be Luiz. I'm not going to tell you his last name because I respect his privacy.

Anyway, that's my Brazilian!

The North Face and the South Butt

2010-01-27T14:04:00.001-08:00

My new South Butt jacket came today. Haven't heard of the South Butt? They're the guys who are being sued by the North Face becasue they just took the North Face logo, turned it upside down and started their own company. They're kind of the opposite of the North Face. Where North Face says "Never stop exploring," The South Butt counters with "Never stop relaxing." That is my philosophy in a nutt shell--which is where I like to keep my philosophy.

I love the South Butt. But, like I said, they are getting sued by the North Face. In general, the suit has been pretty good for South Butt's business, but the very real possibility exists that they could get sued out of business. They are currently looking for supporters in court, so go to their site http://www.thesouthbutt.com and check it out to see what you can do. In the meantime, you might consider writing to North Face and letting them know that it makes them look really uncool to be suing young Jimmy Winkelmann, founder of the South Butt. I know Haiti is kind of a priority right now, but we can't let the South Butt, and young Jimmy, slip through the cracks.

The Rutles

2010-01-25T22:30:00.000-08:00

I've been listening to the Rutles again lately and I've got to say that there is some really exceptional music on All You Need Is Cash. In particular, the song I Cannot Stay Another Day is just a great song all the way around. It really takes some musical crafting to include the word pusillanimous in a song and have it work both lyrically and intellectually.

Double Back Alley is also an exceptional song, not just as a Beatles parody, but in it's own right. The Rutles were/are geniuses. I feel like starting a Rutles tribute band. Maybe I could call it the Buttles. We could cover both Rutles songs and Beatles songs. That would be something.

Anyway, if you've never checked out the Rutles--either their albums or their fake-u-mentary, you should. Follow this here link: http://www.rutles.org/ it will be well worth your time. And that's not even my opinion. That's a fact. You can find that in the bible.

Okay, enough. I have to go watch Chuck. New episode tonight and I've got it on my PVR/DDR/TIVO/whatever they're calling hard disk recorders these days.

The Helm is an ALA Top Ten Great Graphic Novel for Teens 2010

2010-01-20T15:49:00.001-08:00

I just got a nice email from the chairperson of the Great Graphic Novels for Teens committee of the American Library Association letting me know that The Helm has been selected as one of the top ten Great Graphic Novels for Teens for 2010. Whoo Hooo!

Gronland, The Helm and the Largest Island on Earth

2010-01-04T11:44:00.001-08:00

Well, the emails from Greenland have been pouring in to the extent that my server was overwhelmed and my whole system crashed. Thank you, Greenlanders, for the outpouring of interest and support, but please lay off for a while--I've got work to do and can't handle the pressure.

I didn't think there were any Helm readers in Greenland until now, but boy was I wrong. I guess I should have expected more from the largest island on Earth! You Gronlanders (as the Danish would say) are alright in my book--even if you don't really consider yourselves part of North America despite the geography. Go Kalaallit Nunaat!

That is all.

The Helm and Greenland

2010-01-02T23:26:00.000-08:00

So, it's a brand new year and the start of a new decade. And still, the Helm site hasn't had any visitors from Greenland. What the heck? Well, maybe this will be the decade that opens the floodgates of visitors from Greenland. Anyone out there in Greenland, give a shout out.

Some Great Books and the Helm for Christmas

2009-12-03T09:36:00.000-08:00

I've read some really great books lately and thought I'd mention them as people dive deeply into their holiday seasonal shopping. Let me note that I am in no way affiliated with any of the writers or publishers of any of these books--I just really liked them (or in one case, I am currently in the process of really liking it).

So the first one is The Gone Away World by Nick Harkaway. Very fun, engaging and moving sci-fi/action/adventure/philosophy book with Ninjas. Do you capitalize the "N" in Ninjas?

During the break between this paragraph and the last, I looked it up and the dictionary says "often initial capital letter" which doesn't really answer the question but suggests that I wasn't wrong to do the big "N". Anyway, I loved The Gone Away World. I could barely put it down. Here's a link so you can check it out: TGAW

The next book is The Hunger Games (and its sequel, Catching Fire). I think these are supposed to be for a young adult audience, technically, but I am an adult and I thought they were great. Again, sci-fi/action/adventure. They are by Suzanne Collins. I read both books in a couple of nights each, mostly because I kept saying to myself, "I'll stop at the end of the next chapter when the tension lets up a bit." Here's a link to check them out: THG

And finally, John Dies at the End, by David Wong. I'm reading it now and I wish I'd written it. It's completely got me hooked so far. Supernatural/horror/sci-fi/action/adventure. Wow. Here's a link to check it out: JDATE

So, in closing, these are some great books you might buy for Christmas. And now the plug. While you are buying these books, you might also check out The Helm graphic novel by yours truly. And yours truly is spelled Jim Hardison--just to be really crystal clear. Here's the link: TH

The Hair Has It

2009-11-25T21:18:00.000-08:00

Some time back, I wrote a blog entry about helmet hair, partly because of my deep and abiding interest in helmet hair, but also because I had read that the most searched topic on the Internet was hair and I thought I should cash in on that gem of insight with an entry about hair.

Well, as it turns out, I was just looking through some analytics about the Helm site and discovered that my most viewed blog entry is the one about helmet hair. By a significant amount.

So, I guess I have to write about hair a bit more often. Like Mathew's thick, luxurious, golden locks. Okay, maybe they are more thin, greasy and dishwater blond, but that's beside the point. The point is that, for some reason, many of the people who use the Internet are very interested in hair. This leads me to wonder whether it might be highly lucrative to create a comic book where the main character is a hairdo.

Oh! I know, I'll continue that story I've been working on for years about the bald guy who has the space-alien living with him as his toupee. Mint Toupee! Of course, why didn't I think of it before. That way I can continue my illicit love affair with comics while still catering to the interests of the hair-obsessed! Here's the plot. The main guy, Mint, is just a regular guy who has terminal brain cancer that has caused all of his hair to fall out and ruined what's left of his life. Then, this alien crashes its spacecraft in the woods just as Mint is getting ready to kill himself. The alien comes from a planet where the dominant species look like human hairdos. So, the alien ejects itself from its crashing ship and parachutes down and lands right on Mint's head just as he pulls the trigger of the gun in his mouth. The Toupee, whom I was thinking of calling "Toupee" saves Mint's life and strikes up a symbiotic relationship with him. It gets to travel around on Mint's head, completely disguised as his hair while he gets a reprieve from his cancer, extra cool alien powers and a luxurious head of hair that communicates with him psychically and can beat the crap out of bad guys. Together, the two fight both human villains and stave off attempted invasions by various evil space-aliens that Toupee is aware of. And there is much hilarity when love interests try to stroke Mint's gorgeous hair.

Anyway, that's the idea in a nutshell. Mint Toupee. You heard it here first--I'm sure it will be coming soon to a comic shop near you... I guess I'd better call my editor. He's going to want first crack at this thing for sure--especially when I wow him with the demographics about the Internet hair obsessed.

Hot Child Catching Fire

2009-11-24T16:58:00.000-08:00

Kind of a burning theme.

So, I was listening to Nick Gilder and thinking that he was kind of underrated these days. Or maybe I just don't hear about him and consequently assume that neither does anybody else. That's because I'm very me-centric. Anyway, I love Hot Child In the City, but it turns out Nick has a lot of songs I really like. Fun to sing along to. So, there's that.

And while I was on the whole "Hot" topic (not the retail chain specializing in pop music clothes) I thought I'd mention that I've started reading the sequel to The Hunger Games, Catching Fire. I really liked The Hunger Games, and now, as it turns out, I really like Catching Fire too. In fact, the only thing bugging me about the books, apart from the fact that I hate putting them down to go to sleep or do work, is that only two of the series are published so far. That suggests that when I finish Catching Fire, I am going to be facing a potentially spectacularly long wait before I get to read the third book in the series. And I'm not even sure there are only three books. Dang, I hate that. It's kind of like having to watch television shows when they are aired instead of getting to rent entire seasons after their done. It is so much more fun to watch all of say, Dexter, in a week rather than have to wait entire weeks between episodes. And sometimes, more and more often, I have to wait two weeks because the darn network has decided to give a show a week off. Seems like they only do that with the popular shows, which makes the networks kind of bastards in my opinion.

You know what else makes them bastards? This new thing of tacking an extra minute or two of a program onto the end of a show. Like The Office, and Community. It seems like a cool thing at first blush, but it really messes with my ability to record multiple shows at the same time or scheduled back to back recordings on different networks. At first, I thought the networks might be adding extra content because they love me so much, but then it became really clear that it was actually just a ploy to mess with my ability to switch channels when recording shows. I should have known, given their long history as bastards who cancel my favorite shows and make me wait longest for the content I want most. But no, I fell for it.

Anyway, and to get back to my burning theme, this behavior really burns my britches. So there, I've tied Nick Gilder, a book I'm currently reading and my ire at the networks together in one neat, flaming package.

Werewolves on the Moon for the Holidays

2009-11-20T11:09:00.000-08:00

Two things. The holidays are approaching and I've just finished reading Werewolves On the Moon versus Vampires, which was funny and got me thinking that it would make a good Christmas present. So, here I am recommending the series.

Yes, it's a comic series from Dark Horse. You can get it at TFAW by clicking on that link thar. Or, that thar link.

If you are wondering what it is about, the title pretty well says it all--which is something I respect in a comic.

In other news, I've been reading The Hunger Games, by Suzanne Collins--which was really good and I'm just starting the sequel--and I've also been reading Dies the Fire by S.M. Stirling--which was also really good and now I'm reading the sequel, The Protector's War.

I like Halloween, I hate Thanksgiving

2009-10-30T16:57:00.000-07:00

I just saw somebody blogging about how they hate Halloween. Everybody is entitled to their opinion. Me, I like Halloween. Always have. Even when it was miserable. I remember dragging my tired self along miles of unlit roads in icy cold rain until my hands were numb and my nose was leaking like a faucet. The only costume that could provide any comfort was the arctic explorer or the Eskimo, and George Riley always took both of those by putting on his winter coat and ski goggles. That usually left me as a ghost or a vampire or something else that could get really really cold.

I didn't complain though. Getting cold and exhausted was the price of free candy. It was an active demonstration that the things you value most have to be earned. Like hot soup or chilli after the cold. Like all of that wonderful candy. And of course, there are the priceless stories of hardship I now get to flog my own children with whenever they feel that they have it tough.

But I hate Thanksgiving. It's a miserable excuse for a holiday. Not that I'm ungrateful. Or at least, not peculiarly ungrateful. I just don't really enjoy food and really hate the work that goes into preparing it and getting ready to share it with others. See, it's not that I'm ungrateful--just that I'm horribly selfish.

The whole idea of celebrating the plenty that the universe has bestowed on us seems like a good idea to me. It's not that part I object to. Shouldn't you do that every day anyway? But I hate the foods. Turkey? Uhg. Well, I guess I like Turkey Bacon. Dressing? Yuk. Sweet Potatoes? I hate them. Cranberry sauce? No thanks.

And the pilgrims? Screw the pilgrims.

Anyway, I like Halloween and I hate Thanksgiving. That's just me. You go ahead and like or dislike whatever you want.

Half Way to Death, My Kinda Lover and The Helm

2009-10-28T16:35:00.000-07:00

Well,

Just turned 45 today, which I think means that I am half way to death... if I am lucky. Fortunately, I have always been incredibly lucky. What is the average lifespan up to these days for a male? Last time I read about it, the indication was that average lifespan was decreasing for the first time in decades. Maybe even in a century. Something to do with junk food. Or pesticides. Or those chemicals they use to soften plastic. Or something else. There are just too many things to worry about.

Buy why worry? That's no fun. Instead, I like to play loud music. I was playing "My Kinda Lover" by the inimitable Billy Squier for my daughters from my iPod while they were having a bath the other day. My eight-year-old seemed to be enjoying the tune quite a bit, but after the second chorus she asked me, "Is he just singing Blah blah blah-blah blah, Blah blah blah-blah blah for the chorus?" It does sound like that if you are not paying close attention and I was glad she was not paying close attention because it might have been slightly awkward to explain what he was actually singing about.

I wonder if Billy Squier is making a comeback of sorts. He recently played a music venue near my house and he had a song pretty prominently placed in that movie "Couples Retreat". I saw Billy live in concert the summer of the year I turned eighteen. He opened for Queen I think. It was a good show, and from the vast distance I sat from the stage, I couldn't even detect his excessive eyeliner. Or maybe he just has preternaturally thick eyelashes.

Eyelashes. That word got me wondering the other day. Why aren't any other hairs called lashes except the ones on your eyes? Why don't you have noselashes, or earlashes? And what about backlashes? Oh. I guess I see why on that one. But what about buttlashes? Anyway, just curious why eyes get the special treatment. Probably something to do with that whole "window to the soul" thing. Probably makes the other openings in the head feel jealous. If I were the mouth, I'd be mad. It does all the talking, so how come it doesn't get called the window to the soul? Or at least the door to the soul? Ah, just another one of those unfairnesses.

Not much news on The Helm lately. I was kicking around the idea of doing an iPhone version of it with my Editor over at Dark Horse. This was prompted by the fact that I'm currently writing a different comic for the iPhone. All top secret at the moment unfortunately, but I hope to reveal a website soon. Although, if it has the startlingly vast success of the current Helm website, I don't know how I will manage to keep up with all of my other duties in life. I may have to spend some of the staggeringly large fortune that The Helm has earned me. Yes, writing comics is an incredibly lucrative pastime.

Anyway, I need to rush home now and have my fabulous birthday dinner. I have requested Pizza Hut and spice cake. Not, you know, at the same time. It's a multi-course affair.

Blogging, DNA Haplogroups and Me

2009-08-17T16:47:00.000-07:00

Well.

It's been nearly 200 million years since my last blog entry. Things have been busy. Without reference to the life altering things that have happened, here's what's going on today. I got my DNA analyzed by the National Geographic and I finally looked up the results today. Apparently, I am related to you all. Most of you, pretty closely as it turns out.

For those of you keeping track, I'm in the Haplogroup R1b, M343 (Subclade R1b1c, M269). There, you now have enough genetic information on me to transform me into a human/hamster hybrid or frame me for crimes I did not commit. You can't actually frame me for crimes I did commit, because then it wouldn't be framing.

Although...there's a story in there.

Anyway, I will blog again tomorrow. For now, the effort of generating this hefty effort has depleted my weakened blogging muscles. Baby steps. Baby steps.

Angels and Demons, Jennifer Aniston, the Illuminati and Chuck

2009-05-18T16:29:00.000-07:00

Well, I saw Angels and Demons over the weekend. Third movie date I've had with my wife in the past three years. Children.

We had a long debate before going about what we should see. Fortunately, we both like the same kind of movie in general. If we're going to see something on the big screen, we like to see stuff blow up and people get 2 by 4's broken over their heads or get blasted with futuristic weaponry. Unfortunately, we had both already independently seen the new Star Trek movie and my wife had already seen Wolverine. Neither one of us was that pumped about Angels and Demons, but it seemed like a better big screen choice than Management. Also, Management has Jennifer Aniston in it and she generally doesn't make good movie choices--or, if the tabloids can be believed--boyfriend choices. So, it was Angels and Demons.

Not that horrible, actually. Pretty entertaining. Except all the made up fiddle faddle about the Illuminati. That kinda bugged me. Probably bugged the actual Illuminati also--the same way the da Vinci Code bugged the guys who wrote Holy Blood, Holy Grail. If I was Dan Brown, I might be watching my back right about now. Ticked off the Church and the Illuminati? Whose next? The space aliens? The military industrial complex? Anyway, it was a good enough popcorn movie.

I also just read that Chuck has been picked up for another season. Well, 13 episodes anyway. Now there's a show I'd pay to see on the big screen. I love Chuck. Maybe Jennifer Aniston could get on an episode and break her streak of making poor movie choices. Maybe she could even marry the guy who plays Chuck and break her bad-boyfriend-choosing streak too. Assuming that Zachary Levi is a decent guy and doesn't already have a wife.

And now, a sensitive disclaimer. Please do not interpret the above text to mean that I personally believe that any of the men that Jennifer Aniston has dated/married/had relations with in the past have been "bad boyfriends". The term "bad-boyfriend-choosing streak" in the previous paragraph only refers to the idea that said boyfriends have not been "good" for Jennifer in the pursuit of a stable, long-term relationship. This interpretations presupposes that Miss Aniston is actually looking for a stable, long-term relationship. It is also solely the product of reading tabloids and has no actual connection to reality. Oh, and also, Iron Giant, Office Space and the Leprechaun were all pretty much good.

Star Trek, A Wrinkle In Our Timeline

2009-05-08T16:53:00.000-07:00

So, we were all going to play hookie from work today and see the new Star Trek.

We had it all planned out down to the last detail. Earlier in the week we had picked the 1:10 showing--the first DLP showing of the day--and planned to meet up at the office, get a little work done and then leave about 11:45 so we could have a leisurely lunch near the theater, stroll into the movie on time to get the best seats in the house and then kick back and let it wash over us.

So, we met at the office as planned and worked out our transportation caravan. Since the theater was a bit of a drive, everyone was taking their own car so they could head right home after the show. Being environmentally conscious, we worked through all of the calculations with Spock-like precision to ensure that there would be less net environmental damage this way than if we car-pooled to the theater, then all came back to the office to get our cars and then drove home from there. Or, maybe we didn't exactly do it in a Spock-like way, but at least in a Kirk-like way.

Anyway, we were set. And then this gardener guy showed up. He was supposed to have showed up the Friday before last, which he missed, and then again last Friday, which he also missed. And now, here he was, pulling into the parking lot at 10:00 AM on Star Trek Friday! No way!

We had instructions for dealing with him. We were supposed to wait until he was finished, write him a check for his work and then lock up the gate to the office parking lot. Only problem was that he was supposed to take at least two hours to do the lot and we only had an hour and 45 minutes left! Crap!

So, at 11:50 (already five minutes late) we went down to talk to him about writing him a check in advance of his finishing the work and maybe locking up the gate himself. But it turned out that he barely spoke any English. Apparently he was an ancient Korean form of gardener. So, we regrouped back in the office and went into planning over drive. It was noon now. The leisurely lunch was slipping away. Desperate, we decided to communicate with the gardener through sophisticated hand gestures and meaningful grunting in order to get him to estimate how much time he had left so that we could figure out how much to pay him. Then we would pantomime him locking up the gate and flinging the key back through the bars in the door so that we could retrieve it on Monday.

At 12:05 we went back down and found him already finishing up. Yeah!!! So, Sara cut him a check and we gave it to him and it turned out that the person who gave us the instructions got the guy's name wrong. And he could speak enough English to let us know. We ran back upstairs and cut him a new check. Now, it was 12:10 and lunch was totally out of the question. Any later and we would be starting to endanger our good seats. We rushed back down and... he rejected the check again! Wrong name again! So, we ran back up, changed the name, shoved a new check page in the printer and...it printed backwards. DANG! It was 12:20 now! The plan was in shambles. Desperate measures were called for. So, we raided the petty cash box, paid the gardener and then ran upstairs to get the key to lock up. And who had sneaked in through the front door while we were out back? The guy from our I.T. company. And what was he doing? Backing up the hard drives. AAAAARRRRRGGGGG!

It looked like curtains for our plan. But, being an I.T. guy, he understood that this was Star Trek we were talking about. Somehow, accessing his inner Scottie, he managed to do his twenty minutes of work in two minutes. We were out the door.

Anyway, we made it.

96 rolls and the Peril of the Internet

2009-05-07T14:11:00.000-07:00

So, I bought 96 rolls of Bottlecaps. They arrived today via FedEx or UPS or something. Two cases of 48 rolls each. Mmmmm.

But now I'm thinking that maybe it wasn't the greatest idea. I mean, what's to stop me just eating them all today? That's 2496 Bottlecaps, at least 5 of which are likely to be the root beer flavor I love so much. Even I know that anything over two thousand would be too many Bottlecaps. It's highly likely I would drop dead on the spot from diabetes type 10 or something.

This is the Peril of the Internet. Back in the good old-fashioned old days, I would have had to drive around for weeks or months (or at least days or hours) in order to locate that many rolls of Bottle Caps. I would have had to ration them so that my pleasure would last. Now, with a few clicks of my mouse and the number from my credit card, I can possess whatever candy I desire. And the problem goes well beyond candy. I can buy nearly anything I can think of on the Internet, all without any real effort. It seems like a boon until it makes you its slave.

Oh, and I ran into my friend Clay today and told him about my Bottlecaps and he spontaneously noted that the root beer ones and the lemon lime ones are the only really good ones. Now, that's some serious validation there because everybody knows that Clay and I are virtually nothing alike. I mean, he wears glasses.

Anyway, I better get going. I have a lot of candy to eat.

Blommer, Fruit Striped Gum and the Goon

2009-05-05T13:15:00.000-07:00

I've been eating a lot of Fruit Striped gum and reading a lot of The Goon over the past few days.

I bought The Goon #1 and #2 TPBs at the Stumptown Comic Fest and I read them that night and really like them. So then I got The Goon TPBs #3, #4, #5 and China Town (which is actually a hard back and, I understand, basically The Goon #6). And I read all of those the day after I got them. And now I'm waiting for The Goon #7 and #8 to come out. I'm digging The Goon.

And then there's the Fruit Striped gum. I love the smell of Fruit Striped gum! It smells better than virtually anything else, with the possible exception of freshly baked bread or the Blommer Chocolate Factory in Chicago. It's freaky, but I like to just hold a stick of Fruit Striped gum under my nose and huff the fake-fruit scent. That's actually better than chewing the gum--mostly because the super intense flavor of Fruit Striped gum burns bright but quick and is gone in a twinkling, while that delicious smell is there for as long as you can resist chewing the gum.

Anyway, this got me thinking that there's a connection between Fruit Striped gum and the Goon. I love them both, I consume them both way too quickly and they both have a strange, intoxicating appeal that would be difficult to explain on any kind of a rational level.

At the San Diego Comic Con last year, at which we unveiled issue #1 of the Helm, Dark Horse had a conceptual poster for a potential Goon movie. David Fincher is slated to direct, so I am likely to be there opening day, probably chewing Fruit Striped gum.

Caffeine, My Beloved!

2009-04-28T17:20:00.000-07:00

Caffeine, my beloved! Giddy with the rush and buzz of you, my step is light, my eyes are bright. I barely feel the need for sleep, my heart skips every other beat.

Caffeine, you make me a better person—and not just figuratively—measurably too. With you in my life I am not just more alert and engaging, but more interested in the world and open to the possibilities that the universe has to offer. You complete me.

How do I love thee? Let me count the empties. I wake to your kiss, I feed off of your energy for sustenance throughout the day. You are with me at every meal and while I watch too much TV or play too many video games hours after I should have gone to bed. You help me get my work done, comforting me in the wee hours when everyone else has gone. You are always ready to pick me up and help me keep going.

And yet, everyone says that you are bad for me and that our relationship is unnatural. They accuse you of enabling my self-destructive tendencies and fueling my bad habits. What do they know of our love? Sure, my mouth is dry, my hands shake and I can’t sleep even when I want to, but aren’t those the same symptoms of any deep and passionate love?

And oh, you are a wicked harsh mistress to cross. I have tried to leave you! But without your love my head pounds, my muscles ache and the very light that touches my eyes burns like fire. Plus, I get crabby as hell. Without you, food loses its taste, my wit loses its edge and I fall asleep at my desk.

Ah, Caffeine, my beloved.

#69, the Canadian Amazon, Bewhape and the Chuck Season Finale

2009-04-28T00:06:00.000-07:00

So, someone just sent me a note that The Helm graphic novel was #69 on the Canadian Amazon.com, which is called Amazon.ca. I didn't even realize there was a Canadian version of Amazon, but I am pleased that the Helm was #69 on it.

I have a friend, Erik, for whom the number 69 brings special glee. He now resides in India, but when he was in the good old US of A, he would always high-five me whenever the number 69 came up in the course of normal conversation. Well, if I was around. I am sure that, somewhere in India, when he reads this post, he will high-five the nearest Indian. That Indian will likely be bewildered.

Bewildered is a great word. It's apparently related to the much older word bewhape. It's the combination of Be--thoroughly and Wilder--lead astray, lure into the wilds. The fact that ancient dudes came up with a specific word for thoroughly luring someone into the wilds makes me suspicious that there must have been a lot of that going on in the past. Now it's just done figuratively, like Erik high-fiving the Indian, but back in the 1500's, it was apparently happening often enough and literally enough that it got its own word! Of course, there were more wilds back then to lure people into. Like the wilds of the Canadian Amazon.

Anyway, enough about that. I just saw the season finale of Chuck and I really liked it. Chuck is a good show. I read recently on Geek Dad that the network was thinking of dropping the show. All I have to say about that is don't be stupid, Network! Chuck is my current favorite show. Sure, they have problems with the direction of their action sequences, but give them a break! They're computer nerds! Not Michael Bay for god's sake!

Real Genius, Val Kilmer, Hansen and Tinted Windows

2009-04-24T15:52:00.000-07:00

So, Real Genius is a great movie.

If you haven't seen it, you should. Val Kilmer is in it, but he's not the main character. The main character is this dweeby guy named Mitch Taylor (played by Gabriel Jarret) and Val plays his sort of deranged mentor, Chris Knight. You wouldn't think it to look at him in the movie, but Gabriel Jarret actually grew up to be kind of good looking. Check it out on IMDB if you don't believe me. You know who else is in the movie? William Atherton. You may remember him as the jerky Walter Peck from Ghost Busters. You know, the guy that orders the ghost storage device shut down. The guy about whom Peter Venkman (Bill Murray's character) says to the mayor, "Yes it's true...This man has no dick."

Anyway, that's not the point.

The point is that Real Genius is a great movie. And Val Kilmer is really good in it. Actually, he's so good in it that it makes me feel like he's never really lived up to the potential he displayed in this 1985 classic directed by Martha Coolidge. I know Val Kilmer follows this blog, so, sorry man. I loved you in True Romance. And Top Secret (although that was actually before Real Genius.) Anyway, I would have liked to have seen more movies with the Real Genius Val Kilmer and less movies with The Doors Val Kilmer. Again, sorry Val.

You know what else? Deborah Foreman is in Real Genius. It's just a cameo, but she's in there. She has one really great line, "Can you hammer a six-inch spike through a board with your penis?" You remember Deborah Foreman. She starred in Valley Girl. And she was also in the movie My Chauffer. If you haven't seen that one, check it out. I should probably offer a disclaimer at this point and note that I haven't seen My Chauffer in about twenty years, so it may not be as good as I remember. That happens sometimes. Like with the movie The Blue Rose, aka The Thief of Baghdad. But that's another story. Deborah Foreman should have been a bigger star.

Oh, and one final thing. That song MMMBop, by Hansen? That's a pretty good song. I don't care how saccharine those guys come off. I like it. Everyone just made fun of me when I played it in the office when explaining who was in the band Tinted Windows, but so what.

The Ballad of the F-Bomb and the Claw Foot Tub

2009-04-22T09:18:00.000-07:00

First, there's the swearing.

So I was sitting with my daughters on the front porch, eating ice cream, when my wife mentioned this family we know--the Swits. My little three-year-old said, "In Spanish you would pronounce it sh*ts." I frowned at her in concern. She's had a long standing habit of speaking what we call "fake Spanish," but where had she heard that word? "That's just how you'd pronounce it," she reassured me, perhaps because I looked so worried.

I glanced over at my eight-year-old to see if she had registered the use of a forbidden word, but she seemed oblivious. Then the three-year-old said, "Do you know how to pronounce 'frog' in Spanish? You say f*ck." My frown deepened. My innocent little one had just dropped her first F-Bomb. "Sh*t and f*ck," she over enunciated, "That's Spanish."

I quizzed her a little as nonchalantly as possible. Had she heard those words from somebody? "Nope, Dad," she answered, "It's just Spanish." Later, I checked in with my wife to see if she had heard anyone swearing around the kids or if, heaven forbid, it had been one of us.

"I don't think so," she answered with deep concern, "I mean, maybe she might have heard the S-word, but I don't think so. And the F-word? Definitely not. I mean, I hope not. I hope she just made it up."

"Both of them?" I asked, "The S-word and the F-word? Together? She just spontaneously invented swearing?"

"I hope so," my wife answered, but she sounded less than convinced. Me too.

And then, there's the claw foot tub.

So about an hour later, I was getting ready to give the girls their bath in the new upstairs bathroom. We have a claw foot tub. It is very pretty and elegant, but I'm not all that fond of it. It was in the house when we bought it--the house is from 1902, so there's no telling how old the tub is--and I was leery about it right from the start. I'm a shower-man myself. I don't really take baths. And with a claw foot tub, you have to hang shower curtains all the way around it if you're going to shower, which seems kind of impractical and inelegant. And it's also clumsy stepping into and out of the claw foot in the first place, a problem aggravated by the addition of a shower curtain. So I was against the tub. I thought we should get a cool, modern, glass doored shower for the upstairs bathroom. I conceded as how we could maybe leave the tub in the first floor bathroom as a decorative piece. But my wife, who is much more stylish than I am, had other plans.

So we carried the claw foot tub up to the newly constructed upstairs bathroom and it became our sole bathing option. It's very pretty looking with all kinds of gleaming chrome spigots and porcelain handles for the tub spigot, the hand-held shower attachment and the overhead shower. But right from the start, the claw foot has given me problems. At first, we just had one curtain around it, but the water shot out the opening in the curtain, ran down the wall to where the plumbing goes through the floor and then dripped down to the main floor bathroom directly below. So then we put in two curtains with a bit of overlap. That stopped most of the water, but the curtains had this annoying tendency to suction in around your body while you showered. The steamy hot air rising out of the top drew cold air in around the bottom and caused the curtains to suck in around you like really cold Saran Wrap. And also, some water still leaked out and ran down the wall, which we didn't notice until I was wiping the baseboards one day and a bunch of the paint just peeled right off because it had been soaking for days.

So, lately, we've had three shower curtains forming an impenetrably overlapping wall. This is both heavy enough that it doesn't suction in on you, and thorough enough that no water gets out. The only problem is that it's a total pain when it's time to give the girls a bath. What do you do with the curtains? Well, at first we would flip them up over the hanging metal oval that suspends the curtains. But then their incredibly vast weight started to pull the supports for the hanging metal oval out of the ceiling. So lately we've switched to just sweeping the curtains back and pinning them behind the back edge of the tub against the wall. It works, but it bothers me every time and just contributes to the overall sense that the darn claw foot tub and I will never be friends.

And now the point of this long story. I swept the curtains back, turned on the taps and started letting the water warm up as the girls waited for their bath. I was still thinking about the F-bomb-Spanish-word-for-frog thing when I suddenly noticed that my socks were soaking wet. I looked down and saw a huge puddle of water spreading out from beneath the tub. What the-?!

Yes, the shower spigot was still in the "on" position and at least half of the water was shooting out of the shower head, into the perfect funnel made by the curtains and gushing down the back wall and under the tub! So, as I frantically shut off the water and jammed towels under the tub, I angrily shouted, "This is just perfect! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! DUMB! DUMB! DUMB! ARRRRRRGHHHHH!!"

"DADDY!" my eight-year-old gasped. She sounded both deeply shocked and very hurt. Emotionally.

Unable to imagine what might possibly be causing her such an acute level of distress, I looked up from the puddle, where I was laying on my belly, blotting furiously at the water under the tub before it had a chance to seep down to the floor below. She had her hand to her mouth--like she'd just stepped out of the Victorian era--and had the most disapproving look on her face an eight-year-old could muster.

"You said stupid," she whispered in horror. "Stupid and dumb!"

"Well, honey," I countered, soaked through and blood still boiling at the claw foot, "I'm sort of angry."

"We do not talk like that," she corrected me, "ever. It's not nice."

"Yeah, daddy," the three-year-old added with righteous indignation, "those are very bad words. Say you're sorry."

So, I apologized for my inappropriate language. My eight-year-old turned out to be shocked enough that she later ratted me out to my wife.

"Did you say 'stupid' in front of the kids?" my wife asked me after the little ones were finally asleep. I sheepishly admitted that I had, explained the extenuating circumstances and threw myself on the mercy of the court. "Well, you've probably scarred them for life, but at least this answers the swearing question. If they're still this upset about 'stupid' and 'dumb' then they probably haven't heard anything much worse. F*cking claw foot tub," she sighed.

"Oh I hate that stupid tu--" I started, but she cut me off with a raised hand.

"Don't you talk any trash about that tub. I love that tub," she warned, "Don't say anything you're going to regret later."

F*cking claw foot tub.

Comics: Pros, Cons, Neutrals and Fests

2009-04-20T15:34:00.000-07:00

A shallow and lackluster meditation today. You probably shouldn't read this.

Pros: I just did a signing for The Helm at the Stumptown Comics Fest. That's me with the pen in the picture. I'm sure my experience is similar to that of everyone in comics today. It's getting difficult to deal with the vast throngs of autograph hungry fans. I have blisters on my Sharpie. I list the signing as a Pro although, arguably, it happened at a Con. I say arguably because the word Con doesn't appear in the name of the Stumptown Comics Fest. So, I guess you could make the case that it is not a Con. And there is a kind of feast involved. But that's beside the point. It was a fun fest (not a funfest) and I got to see a bunch of people I knew. It was also, roughly, the one year anniversary of my semi-immersion into comics. My baptism by paper. Last year, I went to the Stumptown Comics Fest as my first real introduction to the world of comics because I was writing the Helm and was eager to see what the culture was like. A definite pro: Friendly, crazily creative people, doing their quirky thing.

Cons: Some questionable smells--blame the high quirkiness factor. Despite it being a wonderful fest, the ventilation is poor and that leads to an occasional palpable funk. And another one: Poor sales. I just read that no comic sold more than 100,000 copies last month. First time since they started measuring that the numbers have been that low. Ouch. Seems like this economy is being particularly cruel to...well, everybody I guess, but comics especially. Anyway, and even if you don't normally buy comics, you should go out and buy a bunch. I did. Goon, Buffy, Umbrella Academy, Templar, Arizona, some other things I'll mention tomorrow. Buy some comics, let's get those numbers up.

Neutrals: Nope. I got nothing. Fruit Striped Gum? PRO! I LOVE IT! Pesto? CON! I HATE IT! Pizza? PRO! I LOVE IT! Dollar Rent A Car? CON! I HATE IT! Dr. Pepper? PRO! I LOVE IT! Diabetes? CON! I HATE IT! Chuck? PRO! I LOVE IT! Grey's Anatomy? CON! I HATE IT! Please note that I am speaking of the television series, which I have indicated by spelling Grey with an "e". I love the encyclopedia of anatomy which is spelled with an "a".

Fest: It's descended from the word Festivus and is related to the word feast. It has come to mean a celebration or party. I like celebrations and parties, but I don't really care for feasts. So there you go. I especially hate Thanksgiving. Should have gone in the Cons category.

Bottle Caps and Modern Urinals

2009-04-10T15:56:00.000-07:00

I really like root-beer-flavored Bottle Caps. Even as an adult, I will literally eat them until they make me sick. I am, of course, referring to the candies made by the Nestle company under the Wonka label.

Eating root-beer-flavored Bottle Caps until they made me sick used to be a pretty tall order when I was a kid. Anyone who loves root-beer-flavored Bottle Caps knows that they are the most scarce of all of the flavors. You hardly ever hit two in a row. Orange is the most abundant flavor, and I hate the orange ones. I am constantly hitting runs of three or even four of them. I just throw the orange ones away, or offer them to friends who don't really understand Bottle Caps. These days though, I am capable of affording multiple rolls of Bottle Caps and I have no health minded grown up standing over my shoulder to discourage this behavior. I think that maybe I was supposed to become this health minded grown up, but it never happened. So now, I buy a handful of rolls and just comb through them for the root beer ones. Hence the danger of eating them until I feel sick. I think it takes about thirteen of them to start feeling like I should have stopped. Figuring there are an average of about four or five per roll, that means I have to buy four rolls, minimum, which usually means that I cross the thirteen line and eat more like twenty and then I feel sick.

You know, I only assume that the ones I like are actually the root beer ones. In rolls of Bottle Caps (as opposed to the bags) there are two different shades of brown, a pretty goldenish brown and an ugly grayish brown. One is supposed to be root beer and the other is cola. Neither really tastes like either root beer or cola, but the ones I like seem slightly more root beerish than cola-ish, so I've always assumed that's what they are. The ones I like, in case you couldn't tell by the favoritism of my description, are the pretty goldenish brown ones.

They are so good it's obnoxious. They have a delightful, melt-in-your-mouth quality unique amongst the Bottle Caps. I have just gone through a streak of sixteen other bottle caps with only one root beer flavored one. I think the rarity contributes to my devotion. I also really love the lemon-lime ones, but they only come in the flat packs and the Bottle Caps in the flat packs are far inferior to the ones in the rolls. They are almost a completely different candy apart from the name and the kind of strange premise that they are bottle cap shaped candies that taste vaguely like soda pop flavors. The ones in the bags are thinner and harder and have a much more pronounced bottle cap shape. I've often wondered why they are so different from their rolled brethren. It's really a wild, inexplicable inconsistency. But I digress.

I hate modern urinals--the ones that are really designy and sleek looking. I mean, sure I appreciate that they are like sophisticated works of minimalist modern art, but I feel awkward peeing on art. Or, into it. And worse, they often give the impression that they will not make particularly effective urine receptacles. They frequently look like their sleekly designed, sometimes even ironic, forms may please the eye, but splash the pee. I've always been kind of prissy in that regard. I'm not comfortable with splash back, or "quiet reflection" as the deeply religious might call it. I guess I'm not manly enough to be okay with it.

Anyway, I encountered both things yesterday on a trip to Dallas. I bought six rolls of Bottle Caps and had to pee in an overly stylish urinal twice. Strangely, even though I hated the modern urinal, its overall negative impact was just to put me off a bit. The Bottle Caps, which I love, have made me sick to my stomach. Because I had twenty-two of them. I guess it just proves that age old adage: "Curse not overmuch the beautiful receptacles of thy loin waters! Tis the lid shaped confections a man lovest best that profit him least."

Oh, and the Helm graphic novel has been nominated to the American Library Association's Great Graphic Novel for Teens Booklist. Whoo Hooo!

Drunken Raccoons and Chocolate Donuts

2009-04-07T10:26:00.000-07:00

I was just out walking in the spring sunshine--kind of a rarity in Portland, Oregon at this time of year--to get some vitamin D and an old fashioned chocolate donut, when a big raccoon stumbled across my path. To give this some context, it was ten in the morning in a busy part of Northwest Portland and the raccoon seemed totally oblivious to the fact that, as a wild animal, he should be slinking about at night rather than meandering across the street in broad daylight.

This was a big raccoon too. The size of two cats or a mid-sized dog. He kind of startled me at first so that I stopped in my tracks. Raccoons don't really walk like cats or dogs. They have their own weird little gait which I suppose comes from walking on those dexterous and clever hands. That strange, arch backed walk quickly cues your brain that you are dealing with something different--even if you haven't fully registered what yet. Brains are good that way. They notice even the tinniest little things out of the ordinary and then give you a quick goose to make sure you know something is up. Anyway, this gigantic raccoon just sort of rolled out of a bush on the other side of the road, stumbled his way across the street and then cut right in front of me and headed off down the sidewalk from the direction I had just come. I don't think he even noticed me. He just kind of shambled away, bleary-eyed and stunned looking, kind of listing to one side.

At first, I thought something might be wrong with him--like maybe he just woke up, or he might have been hit by a car or was in the early stages of rabies. But then I looked back over at the bush he had fallen out of and there were a couple of empty beer bottles laying there. So, I think he may have been drunk. Just to see how snoggered he was, I turned and followed him. Animals are usually pretty attuned to being followed. They catch on right away and get all freaked out about it. But not this guy. He just kept staggering down the sidewalk, like a dude heading home after an all night party. I even yelled "Hey! Raccoon! Get off the sidewalk!" just as a public service gesture, but he wasn't phased at all, didn't even wince. This suggested to me that he did not yet have a hangover. He walked down to the end of the block, turned the corner and toddled out of sight. For my part, I continued back to my office and ate my chocolate donut.

It was delicious.

These Tweets Were Made For Walken

2009-04-01T23:58:00.000-07:00

So, CWalken, the guy who appeared to be Christopher Walken, is no longer tweeting on Twitter. His account has been removed. There is no information about why, just a blank space where his "following" icon used to sit.

We unintentionally ex-followers speculated. Was it an impostor? A fake Walken? If so, the faker was funny. He really seemed to capture the Walken essence. Of course, what do I know of the Walken essence? I've never met the man, only seen him in films and appearances on Saturday Night Live and the like. I only know the face he decides to show the world through the work he's done. He might be a totally different guy in real life--a guy who doesn't say wonderfully ironic and slightly deranged things as a matter of course.

Anyway, Twitter became a darker place with the loss of CWalken.

And now, thanks to Google, I know what happened. At least a little. It wasn't Christopher Walken after all. His agent has confirmed that. Apparently, it was someone from a group called clusterflock. Twitter killed the account because they have a policy about pulling the accounts of people pretending to be people they aren't. Or maybe just people pretending to be Christopher Walken.

I'm still sad. CWalken may not have been the Actor Christopher Walken, but he wrote some really good stuff that I greatly enjoyed.

So long, CWalken! You will be missed.

Deluxe EOTB DVD Trilogy Edition!

2009-04-01T15:36:00.000-07:00

Throw out your regular version DVD's, the long awaited Deluxe Blu-Ray DVD Special Edition of the Emperor Of The Bracelet Trilogy is finally out and well worth the wait and the $99 MSRP!

This boxed set contains all three films in their fully remastered, extended, director's cut versions as well as six "extras" DVD's that include never before released behind-the-scenes material detailing the art, special effects, casting and "book to screen" issues encountered when translating this classic series into blockbuster films. There's even a whole documentary about the "EOTB curse" that supposedly claimed the life of leading lady Lindia Barganza. I took off work today to watch and I'm just finished with the movies and finally getting started with the extras disks. All I can say is A HOO HAH! Popcorn and soda for dinner!

Starring veteran character actor Wayne T. Bruno in his endearingly comic role as Goonbung Darkenhelven the gnome theif, Dale Grandenburg in classic, over-the-top form as the Elf Lord Ivaldi and introducing the vivacious Lindia Barganza as the beguiling Princess Nalweegy, this EOTB set is a must have for any fan of epic sword and sorcery! By turns hilarious, tragic, thrilling and awe-inspiring, there has never been and is likely to never be, another cinematic experience quite like this.

Six out of five stars! Three out of two thumbs up! And whatever grade is higher than A++! Highly recommended!!

Four out of Five Dentists Recommend the Helm Trade Paperback!

2009-03-31T21:47:00.000-07:00

A pair of reviews just beat the Helm TPB to press! The Helm Volume 1 comes out tomorrow, but two reviews went up today.

The first was on Girls Entertainment Network by Stephanie Carmichael and gave the Helm a rating of 4 out of 5. I'm not sure 4 out of 5 what, but 4 out of 5 anything sounds pretty good to me! It could be 4 out of 5 dentists, which was good enough for Trident and is consequently good enough for the Helm. You can read the full review at http://www.girlsentertainmentnetwork.com/graphic-novel-review-the-helm/

The second review was on Around Comics and reviewer Brion Salazar said, "I really enjoyed this mini series in singles. The story was funny and should speak to the inner fanboy in all of us. Bart Sears art was some of his best." That seemed pretty positive to me, and I absolutely agree about the Bart Sears comment too. You can read the review at http://www.aroundcomics.com/index.php/Blog/ although I have quoted the entire review above. Yes, short, sweet and to the point. You have to love that Brion Salazar!

Now, all I have to do is hope that the book actually comes out tomorrow! Comics are unreliable!

More Hair and Merkin Muffley too!

2009-03-30T01:40:00.000-07:00

I was reading again today about how online content about hair draws more traffic than any other topic. That just seems weird to me. Or really vain or something. Who are all of these people looking for content about hair? So anyway, I started thinking about how it might be fun to blog about hair, but in a way that would potentially be offensive to the kind of people who are normally online searching for content about hair. You know, just for fun. Because it's late.

For instance, I might write about hair from the perspective of nose hair styling. Nose hair styling is topic near and dear to the heart of my nose-hair-stylist, Lon. Lon's been coiffing the nasal hair of America's hottest celebrities for over a decade. His work goes well beyond the standard trim and tweeze. Lon's a nose hair genius. Looking for a nose hair dye job? Want your nose hair braided? Need nose hair extensions? Call Lon.

Of course, I could always write about the hair incorporated in merkins. Pubic toupees. Then the people searching for legitimate hair information can accidentally find out that many pubic wigs are made from Yak hair. Or that Peter Sellers played a president named Merkin Muffley. Or that it's rumored that Sienna Miller had to have her pubic hair digitally enhanced for a film role because the merkin they tried didn't look realistic enough. Which makes me think of Bruce Willis in Hudson Hawk. Because of how the hair on his head had to be digitally retouched--not because he wore a merkin. Although, I suppose he may have worn a merkin for the filming. There's just no way to tell based on the existing cut of the film.

Anyway, take that you hair content seeking Internet users! Give it a rest!

The Beat Stops Here

2009-03-26T15:38:00.000-07:00

I got a drum kit the other day. It's a used, 5 piece with a hi-hat and crash. It sounds very nice and looks pretty cool. As I brought it home I had fantasies about starting up another band--this time with me on drums. Maybe it could be called "The Meatles" and we could release and album called "Beat the Meatles!"

I've always wanted a drum kit, stretching all the way back to third grade when we had musical aptitude tests at school and they said I might make a good drummer. I took the evaluation sheet home and showed my parents that I would make a good drummer and that I only needed to get a drum kit in order to begin my musical career--a career which would undoubtedly bring me enormous wealth, fame and power. It was the first time I can recall my parents ever laughing at me. Apparently they thought drums would not be a good idea in a house with seven children and only three bedrooms.

Now, 36 years later, I finally got a drum kit.

It only took about ten minutes for me to begin to doubt the findings of my third grade musical aptitude test. It was shortly after I poked myself in the eye with a drumstick and just before everyone in the house came running downstairs to see if I had knocked over the entire contents of the basement or somehow catastrophically damaged the foundation of the house. Apparently, I have no natural rhythm and a shocking lack of hand/eye coordination. Or, more accurately, hand/eye/foot/brain coordination. Perhaps I did have an aptitude back when I was a wee lad, but it withered without appropriate attention? Maybe skill at the drums is like facility with languages? Maybe you have to learn to speak drum before the age of 15 if you are ever to be fluent in drumming?

Whatever the case, I think I should stick to writing. Fortunately, I had the fore site to tell my wife that the drum kit was for my daughters. They are still young enough to learn.

Tittle and Jot

2009-03-24T17:09:00.001-07:00

The newspaper this morning had a little blurb about how the dot above a small case j or i is called a tittle. Now, that made me think that the definition of tittle was the dot above a small case j or i. This is not the case. Turns out, a tittle is a very small part or quantity--the very least part. This means that the dot above a j qualifies as a tittle but that a tittle means more than that dot.

This came up because, when I mentioned the tittle thing, one of my coworkers said, "For verily I say unto you, til heaven and earth pass away, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass away from the law til all things be accomplished." Apart from being a relatively unprovoked bible quotation, this comment also brought the word jot into the discussion.

I'll spare you all of the details about the Hebrew alphabet and ancient Greek writing and get right down to the useful information. A jot is small, but it's bigger than a tittle.

And now the inevitable link to the Helm.

Guess who originally said the bible quote about the jot and the tittle! Matthew! Yup! That's right, Matthew 5:18. And although he spells it differently than our boy, last time I checked, Matt was also the name of the main character from the Helm! How's that for synchronicity!

So now that I've connected the topics, I can tell you that I've also updated the Helm website! A new splash page and an online store where you can buy the graphic novel version! Check it out at http://www.thehelmcomic.com/ I'm sure you will be at least as thrilled by the new design as you have been by the discussion of tittle and jot.

Slovak, Google Translation and A Number

2009-03-23T13:37:00.000-07:00

Google turned up a review of The Helm in Slovak on a site called Komiks Mania by someone named Demented! Which makes me glad. Just in general. But also specifically glad that Google has a translation function. But then slightly sad that it's not a better translation function. I've used this translation function on many different occasions and on many different languages and I always get interestingly garbled results.

Of course, who am I to look a gift translation in the mouth? Not too long ago, if I wanted to translate a review from Slovak, I'd either have had to pay a translation service or ask one of my many Slovakian friends to decipher it for me. As is, I'm able to get the gist even if the nuances and poetry of the original review are lost on me.

On the up side, I get to read lines like,
"Matt constantly moan, somewhat spoiled is coward. But if the helmet allowing him to eat more, his new profession of "defender of the world", he would have certainly liked more...It has the minisériu, but it is about the continuation of a regular series. Už sa teším!!! Already I look forward to! 8 out of 10. Beauty!"

I'm not exactly sure, but in context, it all seems quite positive. If you want to check it out yourself, in the original Slovak, here's the link: http://www.kocogel.info/index.php?topic=4614.0

So, here's a shout out to you, Demented at Komiks Mania! Thanks for reviewing the Helm in Slovak!

And also, check out this cool site for news and info about comics: http://comicsblips.dailyradar.com/

Apart from that, and for those interested parties, here is a number: 6966933945

Christopher Walken, Twitter, April Fools and the Helm TPB

2009-03-20T11:36:00.000-07:00

So, Christopher Walken rules. If you are not one of the nearly 50,000 people following him on Twitter, you are missing something special. Even the Helm itself would appreciate Christopher Walken.

Now here's a clumsy segue (not to be confused with the very agile Segway--see previous post). Speaking of the Helm, I just found out that the updated release date is... wrong. The previous date, March 25th, 2009 actually turns out to be the shipping date as opposed to the in store date. The in store date is now slated for April 1st. That's right, the Helm TPB is supposed to be available on April Fools Day which just coincidentally happens to fall on a Wednesday.

Is that some kind of omen? Seems like maybe.

Anyhow, check out Walken's twitters as you ride your Segway to your local comic shop on April Fools day to purchase a copy of the Helm TPB. That's my recommendation.

Forteana and Jim From the Future

2009-03-17T15:11:00.000-07:00

The Helm trade paper back is actually coming out on the 25th of this month, as opposed to the 8th of next month as was previously reported.

Anyway, I was putting a preview copy of The Helm TPB in the mail today to send off to the Fortean Times and I decided to ride the office Segway instead of walking.

For any of you who don't already subscribe, the Fortean Times is an awesome, monthly magazine about strange phenomena and experiences that continues the work of Charles Fort--the premier investigator of oddities and the man who coined the term teleportation. You can check them out at http://www.forteantimes.com/

I thought that the Fortean Times might be the most appropriate place to run a review of The Helm.

And now the Segway. First, you can't ride a Segway without feeling like some imperiously arrogant visitor from the future--perhapse a being named Orlon 5 or Commander GreeGnxx--just visiting this planet to mock the backward apes that still get around using their own legs.

As you hover along the streets, a foot or so taller than everyone else, drawing stares and shocked looks, you can't help but feel the odd mix of smug superiority and awkward stupidity that is the signature of the Segway experience. If you haven't ridden one, I'd suggest you try it.

We own a Segway because my business partner, David, won it as a door prize at the TED convention one year. Mostly it sits in the corner, quietly gathering dust, but about once each spring I get tempted to take it out for a spin. Since the post office is nearly a fifteen minute walk from the office, today provided a great opportunity to blow the dust off our chariot from the future.

The Peni-mator, Halle Berry, the Watchmen and Twitter

2009-03-11T01:27:00.000-07:00

Back when I used to be a technical director for animated TV commercials, I worked on a project in which a CG brand character had to interact with Halle Berry while she swam around in a pool wearing a skimpy bikini. This meant that I had to be present on the set while they filmed the live action footage so that I could measure everything in exhaustive detail in order to ensure the seamless integration of the animated character with the live action elements--including the bikini-clad Halle Berry. I repeat, I had to measure everything.

People who heard about this aspect of my job were envious, but the sad reality is that examining sexy things in minute technical detail is kind of awkward and robs them of much of their appeal.

I mention this because a friend of a friend of mine was reading the previous blog entry about Dr. Manhattan's CG Johnson in the Watchmen and recounted a story about how a friend of his (that's right, a friend of a friend of a friend) knew the guy who had to full body digitize Angelina Jolie (and her playboy bunny body double) for her role in Beowulf. The friend of my friend thought that job of the friend of his friend would be less bad than the job of being the peni-mator for Dr. Manhattan.

In case you are wondering, peni-mator is the official technical term for a person who animates a CG person's business. As opposed to the peni-modeler, who is the person who has to build the CG business, or the peni-master, who is the person who has to get the CG business ready to be animated by the peni-mator.

Anyway, the point is that I don't know which is worse. Based on my own experiences, I suspect the friend of my friend is only partly right. I think it might, indeed, have sucked more to have built Doc Manhattan's CG business (or scanned it, or whatever) than to digitize a naked Angelina Jolie. But I think it probably wouldn't have been that big a deal to animate the CG business. Sure, it was probably weird--especially if it involved extensive viewing (or even the creation) of unfortunately detailed reference footage, but it was probably less weird than the building and rigging of the Johnson itself.

At the end of the day, however, I'll admit that I just don't know for sure. So consider this an open invitation. If you are the person (or persons) who did any of these things, from building Doc Manhattan's CG junk to scanning Angelina Jolie's nakedness, or if you are a person who has done something similar, write in and let me know about your experiences. Or comment here for the world to see. After all, that is the true purpose of the Internet, isn't it? To facilitate the growth of human knowledge and thereby improve the human condition?

Oh, and apparently, also to watch porn. And to socialize with people on Facebook. Oh, and to tweet on Twitter.

P.S. Thanks to Tony, the friend of my friend, for the inspired coining of the term Peni-mator.

Putting the Graphic in the Graphic Novel: The Watchmen and Dr. Johnson

2009-03-08T22:53:00.000-07:00

So, I went to see the Watchmen Friday morning. That's right, I took off work and went to see it at 11:30 AM. A gazillion other bloggers are thoroughly covering whether it was good or not, whether it was faithful or not, whether it is worth watching or not.

Me, I want to know what was up with Dr. Manhattan's CG Johnson.

It's not that I begrudge him having one, nor that I'm such a prude that I object to seeing it in the movie. It's just that, well, it was kind of more prominent than I expected. See, in the graphic novel, it's depicted, but it's just about what you might expect and consequently, you don't spend all that much time dwelling on it. In the movie version, however, it's considerably more...present. It's not just that it's bigger--although it is way bigger (check the graphic novel)--it's also that it bobbles and swings about and generally makes a spectacle of itself. The thing is kind of a scene stealer--and not in a good way.

Anyway, I don't want to dwell on this too long, but I am curious why they felt compelled to mess with Manhattan's endowment. Did they feel it was necessary in order to convey the full extent of his God-like power? Was it an art director's choice? Did the director demand it? Was it just an accident of motion capture and a credit to the motion capture actor?

However you look at it, it just didn't seem faithful to the original. And it also made me wonder which of the animators actually animated it. I didn't see any specific reference in the end credits, but the thing was so animated that I had to wonder. It might have been fun to be a fly on the wall during the conversations in which the penis animator was getting his direction and having his work reviewed.

"Oh, and Tim?"

"Yes, Mr. Snyder?"

"Can you swing the dingus a little more? And add a bit of a twist?"

"Certainly, sir."

Hair, the Helm and Helmet Hair

2009-03-04T06:38:00.000-08:00

So, I was just reading a report that said that online content related to hair draws more traffic than any other topic.

Really? Hair? Now that's saying something...although I'm not sure exactly what.

I suppose, for starters, it suggests that I ought to be including a lot more references to hair in my various posts about the Helm trade paper back and that maybe I ought to have a page on the Helm Website dedicated to hair. Hmmm. Maybe something about helmet hair.

Helmet hair is closely related to the dreaded hat hair, but much worse. In movies, heroic folks are always taking off their helmets to reveal perfectly coiffed, sexy looking hair. In real life, however, the inside of a helmet gets pretty sweaty and makes your hair do some fairly strange and unattractive things. Take it from me, a guy who has probably worn far too many helmets with far too little provocation--you're way more likely to end up with pointy hair or Gumby hair or skanky hair than sexy hair after your head has seen the inside of a helmet. Oh, and a lot of the time, your hair smells too--like sweaty leather or sweaty foam padding or even just sweaty head.

So, I'll get to work on a feature about Helmet Hair and see if I can't attrack more of the vast swarms of internet users who are apparently so interested in the hair topic.

Bart Art

2009-02-27T00:15:00.000-08:00

Bart Sears just landed some well deserved kudos for his work on the Helm--both on the Ain't It Cool News website.

The first was an @ssie award for Best Cover Artist/Best Cover Art on the cover of the Helm #1. I've always suspected I might be biased in thinking that was a great cover, so it's nice to be validated. You can check out all the winners here: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/40208

The second mention was in a review of the Helm trade paper back. AICN did a very nice review of The Helm TPB and The Scream TPB--both penciled by Bart. The review focused heavily but deservedly on Bart's artwork. You can read the entire review here: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/40235#6

So, hats off to you, Bart. The Helm wouldn't be the Helm without you.

The Fate of the Universe Hangs in the Balance

2009-02-25T22:13:00.000-08:00

The fate of the universe hangs in the balance. So now it is time to abuse the massive power of the Helm Blog.

I have been instructed by sinister forces to urge the widest audience possible to follow this link and vote for this cat.

http://www.bissell.com/MVP09/Week07/Alpha.aspx?RowFilter=H

His name is Hank. He is not my cat. But it is absolutely essential that he win this competition if we are to reverse global warming, the current financial melt down and various other bad things. And by the way, he is the gray tabby Hank, not the evil black and white Hank.

With great power comes great abuse. Well, at least half way decent abuse anyway.

Matecumbe redux, the Helm Speaks and the TPB!!

2009-02-18T10:58:00.000-08:00

Okay, so first thing is, thanks to everyone who wrote in with the lyrics to the theme song from The Treasure of Matecumbe! But please everyone stop sending them now! Even the Helm's massive servers have been swamped by the volume of responses!

With that out of the way, two bits of news.

First, there's a new page on the Helm Website--The Helm Speaks. Check it out for daily tidbits of wisdom straight from the mouth of the world's only talking helmet that pretty much no one can hear (except Mathew Blurdy).

Second, I have reason to believe that the Helm TPB may be arriving from the printer today! I'll keep you posted, but everyone is so excited here at Helm central that no one can sleep! And also because it's during the middle of the day and they have work to do.

Helm Preview, Google Disappointment and the TV Wasteland

2009-02-03T11:50:00.001-08:00

There's a new Helm Preview page up on the Helm Website!

Of course, similar material has been previewed on lots of other sites, but I started feeling like the official website for the comic ought to have a preview.

Apart from that, I was disappointed by Google today when I searched for the lyrics to the theme song from the 1976 Disney TV movie, Treasure of Matecumbe and was unable to find anything. I've got scads of information about the movie, but alas, no lyrics. I suppose I shouldn't be disappointed in Google so much as the whole Internet community. I just feel like somewhere out there, some obsessed someone ought to care enough to have recorded the lyrics and posted them, or better yet, have turned the actual theme song into a digital file and put it up for the world to hear. Sadly, no.

During my search, however, I checked out the other credits of the film's director, Vincent McEveety. That's right Mic-Eve-Eat-Eeeeee. Turns out, this guy directed nearly everything I ever watched on TV as a youth, good or bad. Mostly bad. Star Trek? Check. T.J. Hooker? Check. Buck Rogers in the 25th Century? Check. Dallas? Check. Kolchak: The Night Stalker? Check. Wonder Woman? Check! Mannix? Check! The list goes on and on!

Anyway, I will give either an autographed copy of the complete Helm series or a limited edition Helm T-shirt to the first person to email me a correct transcription of the lyrics of the theme song of Treasure of Matecumbe. That's right, the Internet's failing is your potential gain.

Trade Paper Back Cover and the Space Time Continuum

2009-01-31T14:36:00.000-08:00

The actual cover for the Trade Paper Back version of the Helm is finally up on Amazon! Prior to this, the image displayed for the compilation was the cover of the first issue of the Helm.

Anyway, be sure to check it out. Bart Sears' art is really incredible. Follow this link to check it out: http://www.amazon.com/Helm-1-v/dp/1595822615/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1233441690&sr=8-1

For those of you who are following this blog on Amazon, DON'T CLICK THE LINK! You will be caught in an endless feedback loop that will likely fracture the space/time continuum, Star Trek-style. Well, Next Generation Star Trek-style anyway. Those guys could sneeze and fracture the space/time continuum. So, be careful! Click responsibly.

Comic Based Movies & the Helm

2009-01-22T16:51:00.000-08:00

Hey everybody, there's a new interview about the Helm up at Crave Online. You can check it out at http://www.craveonline.com/articles/comics/04652824/jim_hardison_talks_about_the_helm.html

Dante Maddox, who was kind enough to conduct the interview, raised an interesting question about the number of comics being made into movies and the impact that's having on both comics and movies. It seems like everyone has seen Batman, Iron Man, Wanted, Hellboy and a half dozen other comics based films--whether they're into comics or not.

I outline my feelings in the interview, but I'm curious how you all feel about it. Are there too many comics being adapted into films? Do films do justice to the comics they're based on? Is all of the attention just fueling a flash fire that will consequently burn out and potentially hurt the public's interest in comics? What do you think?

KHAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNN!

2009-01-14T15:58:00.000-08:00

Ricardo Montalbán is dead.

I believe that everyone, everywhere, should observe his passing by walking out into the street and shouting, "KHAAAAAAAAAAANNNN!" at the sky, for somewhere above, Khan Noonien Singh is hovering in the stolen Enterprise, his pecs pumped beyond mortal proportions and clearly beyond the capacity of a man his age. Perhaps then, and only then, a Grumman Widgeon seaplane will be seen streaking across the blue vault of heaven, on its way to ferry the soul of Mr. Roarke back to Fantasy Island. I'm sure as he flies that one hand will rest sensually on the rich, Corinthian leather of the custom seats, another will gently pat the head of the ever-faithful-though-clearly-deranged Hervé Villechaize, a third will powerfully throttle the aging neck of William Shatner, while the fourth will steadfastly guide the plane along its appointed route.

Fly swift and true Ricardo Gonzalo Pedro Montalbán Merino! You make up a disproportionate number of my memories for someone I never had the pleasure to have met.

BroMance and Pineapple Express

2009-01-13T11:50:00.000-08:00

First, the Helm TPB is currently at the printer! Whoo Hoo!

Second, I saw Pineapple Express last night on DVD and it makes me think that the Helm is a BroMance.

Instead of watching the DVD, I really probably should have been doing something more obviously constructive with my time, like paying my bills or sleeping, but instead I chose to enjoy myself. Ah, enjoying myself, the bane of my existence.

So, anyway, pretty funny movie. It was not really what I was expecting. I had heard it was funny and that it had Seth Rogen in it and that it was in some way about drugs, but that was all I knew. All of those things were true, but they didn't really prepare me for the experience, probably because the movie was so odd.

Without giving anything away, I will say that I really enjoyed the collision between realism and absurdity and the way the film seemed completely okay with the conflict between them and didn't seem to have any need to reconcile it.

Beyond that, the movie got me thinking about BroMance as a sub genre of stories.

The key factors that seem to me to identify the BroMance story are that it's about a relationship between two guys (a relationship which can't exactly be described as a "buddy" relationship but is extremely close) and the bulk of the female characters primarily serve as speed bumps and obstacles to the central male relationship.

Now, to be clear, I'm not talking about a romantic or sexual relationship between guys. There's a different name for that kind of Broke-Back-Mountain sort of film and it's not BroMance. But I am talking about a level of relationship that is deeper and odder than your standard Lethal-Weapon kind of buddy film. BroMances tend to be comedies, probably because it is difficult in our society to deal with intense and interesting relationships between guys. The relationships in BroMances tend to be filled with as much tension as camaraderie and are even sometimes more negative or fractious than they are positive. There is frequently a lot of fighting and physical abuse of the main characters--as if they are manifesting their emotional lumps externally.

Anyhow, I'd say that Pineapple Express qualifies as a BroMance, and it got me thinking that the Helm is a weird sort of BroMance between Mathew and the Helm. They bicker and fight, Mathew gets the daylights beat out of him, there are comic overtones. I hadn't really intended that when I started writing, but I'm happy with it now that I'm done. And, at the end of the day, that's what's really important here--that I'm happy with it, because everything is always about me, how I feel about things and the strange sort of BroMance I have with myself.

Happy New Years and Booby Traps

2009-01-08T10:51:00.000-08:00

Happy 2009 to you all! Here's hoping it's a bit more upbeat in terms of economic, social and political stability!

Now that the altruistic stuff is out of the way, I'll get down to the bragging!

The Helm was just featured in a "Best of" press release by Dark Horse Comics. (I didn't use an exclamation point there, even though I wanted to.) The Helm was one of 16 books they singled out as having been singled out by critics for repeated praise during 2008. (Again, no exclamation point, even though it totally would have been warranted.) I like repeated praise. It gives me a warm fuzzy feeling comparable to the sensation I get from wearing my new, warm and fuzzy house slippers that I just got for Christmas.

And why did I need new slippers, you may ask? Because my old ones are still in a box in my basement somewhere. Remember that Borg Cube of boxes containing 98% of my family's worldly possessions? Well, the boxes are still there, but they have de-cubed. They have become more amoeba-like over the weeks as we have raided them for various essential items. Now the basement is more like some kind of wickedly clever, booby trapped maze.

Booby trapped. A trap for boobies. Titter titter.

Ever wonder about the origin of the term booby trap? It was not, as it at first appears, coined by tittering fourteen-year-old boys, drunk on the possibility of capturing women's mammary glands for their own nefarious pleasure. No, it refers instead to traps for dumb people--you know, boobs. Boob, in this context, descends from the Spanish "bobo" which means stupid.

That other kind of boob descends (titter titter) from the Elizabethan word "bubbies."

One Elizabethan gentlman to another, "I say, Lord Dodderington, cast thine eyes upon yon bawd! Nice bubbies, what what?"

Lord Dodderington, "I'd fair foin that trollop! Dibs!!"

Diamond 300, More Snow, The Final Cover

2008-12-18T22:28:00.000-08:00

The Helm #4 made it onto the Diamond top 300 list for November, which pleased me all out of proportion with being number 268. I don't know when the list came out, but I just stumbled across it today. Well, stumbled very purposefully, as in I was actively checking for it.

Anyway, we've had more snow here--although we somehow avoided the apocalyptic ice storm the weathermen were predicting for us. Based on what they said, people stayed home from work in droves on Wednesday, but then nothing materialized. Turned out to be a really nice day even with some decent flurries of snow. Today was pretty much more of the same. The biggest trouble has been that the scaredy cat schools have cancelled out every day this week, leaving lots of parents struggling to work little people into their work schedules. Our two little people generously prevented almost anything productive from happening this week--all while remaining perfectly delightful.

And then, this afternoon, my editor at Dark Horse sent over a proof of the finished cover for the Trade Paper Back collection of the Helm. It's not much changed from the one I was gushing over yesterday--except that now it has the title and the logo and the tag line and all that good stuff. I expect they'll start posting it to the various websites advertising the book pretty soon so that they can replace the current posting which shows the cover of the first comic rather than the cover of the book. What that means is that, hopefully, you'll get to see the cover for yourselves soon and judge whether it looks good for yourselves.

Snow Days and the Helm TPB Cover

2008-12-16T17:16:00.000-08:00

So, I'm at work today! Hooray!

Yesterday I couldn't make it in because of snow. Not a lot of snow, mind you, just a couple of inches--but here in Portland, Oregon, two inches is enough to shut down the town. So, school was out and buffoons were skidding into parked cars and smashing up real estate. It was chaos.

Anway, I had to put chains on the car to make it in today--the city was requiring them--but it was worth it because the cover art for the Helm trade paper back was waiting for me in my email! What with the Helm series being finished up for a while now, I haven't seen any new art from Bart in months and I've been going through withdrawal. So, this was a good fix. And it's really pretty. I can say that, with italics and everything, because I didn't draw it, so it's not bragging.

Also, thanks to everyone who's been writing in and saying they want more Helm! I'm all for more Helm too! If you are feeling really proactive about it, go ahead and send your emails directly to Dark Horse. You could cc me if you want.

Okay, I think that's it for now except that we're expecting more snow tomorrow. That should shut the town down for a month.

Chuck Action, The Helm Trade Paper Back and a Shout Out to Gloria!

2008-12-05T11:29:00.000-08:00

Last night I had to catch up on a few episodes of Chuck that I've missed over the past few weeks. I was up until 2:00 am. I didn't feel that kind of devotion was out of line because I love the show Chuck (I think the character is nice too, but I don't feel any kind of romantic spark between us--nor with the wonderful actor, Zachary Levi--although I think he's great as Chuck). Anyway, I think the show is really funny and smart and charming and I am highly likely to keep watching it as long as they keep making it, even if I have to stay up really late to do it.

But (and there's always a but) they really need to do a better job of directing their action scenes. The clumsy action direction started pretty early on--remember episode #2, Chuck versus the Helicopter? And it's still going strong (or weak, to be more accurate) think episode #24, Chuck versus the Sensei.

Now this clumsiness is kinda weird. It's consistent enough that you'd figure there was maybe one really clever dialogue and relationship director in charge of the whole thing and he/she just wasn't that great at action--except that there are at least five different directors credited on the series and each of them has directed at least one episode with at least one really bad action sequence. And yet, based on their other credits, they seem to be pretty competent directors. Hmmm. Also, between the five credited directors, there are only fourteen shows listed--but, there are twenty four episodes produced and aired so far. Where are the other ten episodes/directors? If I was the intersect, I could figure that out just by looking at the line I just finshed typing. Unfortunately, I still have to use Google to find stuff out--just like everyone else on earth (Google Earth).

Okay. So after searching, I discovered that you can find them--guys like David Solomon who directed episode #5 of season one, Chuck versus the Sizzling Shrimp, but they aren't listed as Series Directors. Maybe that's because they've only directed single episodes? Like susbstitute teachers? Or is there some other, darker, more mysterious reason? Probably not. Or is there?

Regardless, there pretty much hasn't been any really stellar action directing on the show, whether it's a series director in charge or a substitute--and some of it has been really darn flat. Not that it derails the show for me. Like I said, I love that show.

In an attempt to be fair, I will now invite the creators of Chuck to read the Helm and criticize the things that I do poorly and/or defend what is going on with the direction of action on their show. I mean, who am I to criticize without knowing all of the issues? Well, I'll tell you who I am. I'm me, and even I can tell that the action is clumsy on Chuck.

Okay, enough Chuck.

I was just looking at a mockup of the front and back cover for the Helm Trade Paperback! The cover art's not in from Bart yet, but the mockup is looking pretty cool. I would buy it, if I was me. Which I am. It's cool to have all of the issues collected together--and it's also nice that the four "chapters" will have the titles of each of the issues in the series (which aren't printed on the actual issues because they were imaginatively titled Issue #1 and so on). I mean, I don't know if the titles being there will be nice for anyone else, but I appreciate it because of how I went to all the trouble of coming up with titles for each issue.

I also want to take this blog entry to say "hi" to Gloria.

Thoughts? Feelings? Questions?

2008-11-20T00:24:00.000-08:00

The final issue of the Helm is finally out! What did you think? Liked it? Hated it? I'd love any feedback anybody wants to send my way, positive or negative. Email me, or post your thoughts, feelings or questions here. Either way.

Here's a sample question--similar to something an actual reader of the Helm might post:

Jim. What the hell were you thinking?
Yours, Don Bumbernicker

And a sample answer to show how I'll probably respond to an actual comment from a real person:

Don, I have no idea.
Yours, Jim

So, go ahead and comment! Don't be shy! I can tell from my Google analytics that at least two people have read this blog and one guy from the Ukraine has looked at it by accident. If those three people were to comment, that would be FOUR comments (including my fake one). Four comments and only one of them fake! That would be something.

The Exciting Conclusion!!

2008-11-18T09:29:00.000-08:00

The final installment of the Helm comes out tomorrow! Writing the series has been a strange, fun ride! I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who read the series, to all the wonderful folks who sent letters and comments and especially to all the people who made the book possible.

Sara Kaine, who introduced me to Dark Horse
Dave Land, my excellent and wise editor
Bart Sears, the awesome breakdown artist of the series and a huge part of the Helm's draw (no pun intended)
Randy Elliott, magnificent finisher (what a great job title)
Dan Jackson, superior and tasteful Colorer
Dave Lanphear, master of letters
Katie Moody, erudite Associate Editor
Josh Elliot, stylish Designer
Patrick Thorpe, essential Assistant Editor
Jacquelene Cohen, gregarious Publicity Coordinator
Dirk Wood, rockstar Marketing Director
Mike Richardson, white haired giant and lord of Dark Horse Comics
All the folks I haven't met who make Dark Horse run
Maria, Clara and Eleanor--who keep me going
And Janet--who made me want to write in the first place.

Thanks everybody, it's been fun. Now all I have to write about is the coming trade paperback version. Look for it in April of 2009!!

Baby Alligators, Toilet Seats and the Helm #4

2008-11-14T14:26:00.000-08:00

I was just in Miami and saw a wild baby alligator in a lagoon. Not that it was particularly impressive or anything, but alligators are deadly creatures and I don't expect to see them swimming around outside of high rise office complexes. That would be like seeing a wild baby tiger running around in the mall, or having a baby great white shark bite your foot while sitting at a public fountain.

Okay, maybe not exactly.

Anyway, I was standing in the bathroom at work, thinking about baby alligators, when it suddenly occurred to me that the toilet seat was U-shaped rather than a complete oval. Now, I've seen this particular toilet seat hundreds of times over the last several years and never really noticed how it was U-shaped rather than oval, but for some reason, it registered this time. Which got me wondering why some toilet seats are U-shaped and others are oval. As I thought about it, it occurred to me that I mostly saw U-shaped toilet seats in public restrooms and mostly ovals at people's houses. So, my first thought was that the U-shaped seats were probably cheaper to make and consequently more attractive to the folks putting together public bathrooms. A quick survey of a handful of public restrooms revealed that ALL of them had U-shaped toilet seats--even one in a really expensive and upscale restaurant. That made me question the validity of my "cheapest option" conclusion. So, I did a little Internet research and discovered that United States plumbing code specifies that public restrooms have to used "open front" toilet seats! Yes! It's the law!! But why?

Well, apparently, they are considered both more sanitary and more comfortable. I'm not sure exactly how the sanitary thing works out--especially in women's public restrooms--nor am I really clear on how the comfortable thing works out--but those are the given reasons.

Anyway, while researching the issue, I stumbled across a site with details of the first time a toilet was ever shown on American broadcast television. It was on what was supposed to be the first episode of Leave it to Beaver, "Captain Jack." The episode actually got shelved for a while by the censors who refused to let a toilet be depicted on television. It aired after they compromised by shooting a single tight shot of the tank only. And why was a toilet part of the story at all? Well, the plot involved Wally and the Beaver trying to hide a BABY ALLIGATOR from their parents by keeping it in their toilet tank.

That's right, a baby alligator! Holy crap!! Too much for coincidence.

Oh, and the Helm #4 comes out next Wednesday! No alligators, no U-shaped toilet seats, no episodes of Leave it to Beaver, but it is the exciting conclusion of the mini-series! Be sure to check it out.

Mi Amiga, mi amor

2008-10-27T11:01:00.000-07:00

Amiga computers changed my life.

Back in 1990, I was an aspiring filmmaker--fresh out of film school and working on a super-low-budget feature film. Then I ran out of money and decided to do freelance work to continue financing the feature. I probably would have continued with that route except that one day, while driving through Aurora, Illinois, I happened to take a wrong turn and pass a sign that said, "Computers for Video!"

The sign was advertising a place (Microtech Computers) that sold Amiga computers with Video Toasters. After stopping in for an impromptu demo of the editing capabilities, I reformulated my plans and wound up starting my own production company. Although the initial plan was just to do live action production, the Toaster came with a 3-D animation program called Lightwave. I'd minored in animation, so I started messing around with the 3-D animation features just because they were there and free. Two years later, more than half of the work my company was doing was computer animation--all of it programmed and rendered on Amigas.

Ah, how I loved my Amigas. They seemed like they were only about 30% scientific machine and the rest was just magic. You couldn't always tell when or how they were going to work, but with the right combination of strange work arounds and mysterious software, you could get them to do almost anything. They were light years ahead of both Macs and PCs in terms of performance, speed and sheer voodoo power. And they were far more financially in reach (and faster to boot) than the Silicon Graphics machines that were the computer animation industry standard at the time. My company started off with one Amiga--with a built in 500 meg drive (the largest money could buy at the time)--and ended with more than a dozen of them. We did 3-D and cell animation, film resolution rendering, music composing and production, off and on-line editing, morphing, accounting, script writing and a hell of a lot of video game playing on those machines.

Amigas built the computer animation reel that eventually landed me a job directing animation at Will Vinton Studios. I started off doing mostly M&M's commercials but then segued into some animated television series work and eventually found my way into character and story consulting. Which is what I do now--and which turns out to be the best job I've ever had. I think it's absolutely safe to say that none of that would have happened if I hadn't taken a wrong turn and run straight into Amigas back in 1990.

Of course, Amiga went out of business back in the mid 1990's and I had to migrate to other platforms (none of which are half as fun or a quarter as dynamic) but I still miss my magic machines.

Helm #4 Release Date Set!

2008-10-23T15:01:00.001-07:00

For any of you interested, I just heard from Dark Horse that the release date for issue #4 of the Helm will be November 19th, 2009.

Now, working from past experience, that's not a guarantee or anything, but it looks pretty solid at the moment.

The End is Nigh

2008-10-23T09:47:00.000-07:00

I reviewed the final pages for issue #4 of the Helm yesterday! That means the final issue is off to the printers. No word yet on exactly when it will hit stores, but it's likely to be in the next few weeks.

Looking at the final pages, I was again impressed by the tremendous talent and effort on display by Bart Sears, Randy Elliott, Dan Jackson, Dave Lanphear and my editor Dave Land.

So anyway, the final countdown has begun, the end is nigh, we are in the end times. Whoo Hooo! Bring on the apocalypse!

Fruit Flies, Genocide and Human Ingenuity

2008-10-15T10:23:00.000-07:00

So, we've got fruit flies in our house. I think it's mostly because we don't have any screens on our windows because the painters took them out and put them in the basement and then the movers buried them under seventy two tons of our boxed possessions. But hey, I'm not blaming anyone.

Fruit flies are massively annoying for such little beasts. It's partly because they are so tiny--which makes them hard to shoo away--but it's also because they fly around in swarms and they land on anything you might be eating or thinking of eating. And then they lay eggs on it. Apparently, the average fruit fly can lay 500 eggs, each of which can hatch into larva (on my food) and lay their own 500 eggs, all within the space of a week. Given those numbers, I'm not sure why there is any space in our house not packed to the exploding point with fruit flies, but so far the swarm has been relatively minimal (although no less annoying.)

I've mostly been thwacking them out of the air with dish towels--which is not only not very effective, but causes my oldest daughter to scold me for being, "mean and inhumane." I've tried explaining how the fruit flies are unhygienic barbarian invaders, locked in a life and death struggle with us for the household food supply, but she says they are, "tiny and cute and all creatures deserve to live." Despite her protests, I have begun researching means of inflicting genocide on them.

[DISCLAIMER] Okay, not genocide really. Fruit flies are not a national, racial, political or social group and, just to be really clear, I in no way support the systematic extermination of any peoples based on anything. Crap. When I run for president of the United States--the only country I currently qualify to be president of--I'm sure this blog will be quoted out of context by my esteemed opponent's propaganda machine despite my disclaimer and everyone will believe I support and/or actively participate in genocide. [END DISCLAIMER AND PARANOID TANGENT]

I suppose what I want to inflict on the fruit flies is actually speciecide. Regardless of what you call the total extinction I envision for my fruit flies, I have been able to quickly find an abundance of devious and ingenious ways to accomplish it. Most of them take gleeful advantage of the behavioral weaknesses of the flies. For example:

The Wine Trap: put out a glass of wine. Add one finger tip touch of dish soap to reduce the surface tension of the wine. Fruit flies are attracted to fermentation--but the wine will kill any eggs they manage to lay and the lack of surface tension will drown the flies.

The Oven Trap: Put a piece of fruit in your oven over night--a slice of banana works well. Leave the oven door open. In the morning, sneak up and slam the door closed. Turn the oven on to 400 for ten minutes. Clean the oven thoroughly.

The Blow Drier Trap: Sidle up to a swarm of fruit flies with a plugged in hair dryer in your hand (sidle up because the flies are alarmed by quick movement). Turn on the hair dryer and put the back end of it near the flies. They will be sucked into the heat chamber and fried!

The Vacuum Trap: Suck up entire swarms with the upholstery or crevice attachment. They cannot escape the suction and it will destroy them as they are sucked in.

I could go on for pages, but I think you've got the picture. All of them seem like deeply satisfying and even enjoyable approaches to eliminating my flies. But, of course, my daughter would be inconsolable if she stumbled across my blueprint for a final solution to the fruit fly problem.

The abundance--the over abundance--of speciecide suggestions readily available to anyone with an Internet makes me glad that I am not a non-human living on Earth. We are devilish clever at doing away with things or seeding their downfall by dissecting their behavior. We're really good problem solvers and very good at thinking of anything that bothers us as a problem to be solved even if it is actually another living creature that is part of a much larger living system way more complicated than we can begin to fathom.

So, I'll probably wind up using the Open Jar Trap. It's what it sounds like--an open jar with a piece of fruit in the bottom. When a bunch of flies land on the fruit, you slap a plate over the top and then you take the jar outside and let them all go. That's right. Catch and release. I'll probably turn it into a father/daughter project.

And then the little buggers or their teeming progeny will undoubtedly come back in through the screenless windows. Damn fruit flies.

Cat, Dog, Stock Market, Whatever...

2008-10-09T11:22:00.001-07:00

So someone wrote to me, not about the Helm, but about my post about the dog alarm clock. Apparently, this guy has been scouring the Internet looking for the dog drill sergeant alarm clock that shouts "WAKE UP! RISE AND SHINE!" because he had a roommate who had one in college--and of course, Google led him to me. He's been looking for one of these clocks for his kids but has been unable to find one anywhere. So, having recently recovered mine from the Borg Cube (I couldn't take it anymore and finally dug it out) I examined mine and discovered that it was made by a company called Rhythm in Japan and sold by the Chicago Clock Company. That gave me enough info for my own Google search--which eventually turned up an image of the clock. Only, lo and behold, it was described as a CAT drill sergeant! That's right. All these years I have been laboring under the misapprehension that the most annoying alarm clock on earth is shaped like a dog, when in fact, it is supposed to be a cat.

Then I discovered that these things sell on eBay for $180 each! I think mine cost me $15.99 when I got it! Damn! I should have been investing in these Cat alarm clocks all these years instead of the stock market! What was I thinking?

Three, the Economy and the Urim & Thummim

2008-10-08T15:18:00.001-07:00

The Helm #3 finally came out today! Whoo Hooo!! It was originally supposed to come out in September, then it got moved back to October 1st, and now it is actually out. So, there's that.

Oh, and then there's the fact that the world continues to collapse into economic ruin. Well, I guess you can't have everything. But, and just to be clear, the third issue of the comic book is out now!

In other news, I was driving late at night, listening to Studio 360 on NPR when they did this story about the Urim and Thummim--you know, the ancient biblical divinatory devices. Apparently, some guy thinks he's found them. Only thing is, he believes the Urim and Thummim are a cup which he bought at a Goodwill superstore for 69 cents. Oh yeah! That just feels pretty darn Blurdyesque to me.

You can check out the story at http://www.studio360.org/episodes/2008/10/03 where they also have a trailer for a documentary about the whole thing.

Spice Cake, Trans Fat and Tim Curry

2008-09-25T10:44:00.000-07:00

We made spice cake a couple of days ago--from a box, with frosting from a can--you know, the way I like it. We haven't done this since the girls were born because of how just about all of the spice cake mixes in a box contain 1 gram of trans fat per serving. Seems like everybody else in the entire world has wised up and taken trans fat out of their products, but not the damn cake mix people. Even Crisco has taken out the trans fat, and as far as I was aware, all Crisco was was trans fat. So come on you cake mix people! Wise up already!

Anyhow, trans fat and all, we had the cake and we ate it too. Technically, that isn't particularly hard. I've always felt that expression, "have your cake and eat it too," ought to be reversed. Anyone can have their cake and eat it too. What's hard is to eat your cake and then still have it. You can't do that--which seems more to the point of the old saying. However you slice it, and we sliced it with a special cake knife, spice cake is awesome. The girls mixed food coloring in with the white frosting so that the cake actually came out a nice shade of pale blue. We used to let them mix in as much color as they wanted with frosting, but then you get the whole inside of your mouth dyed and you look like you've got some horrible disease or something. And also, my oldest still can't eat any kind of desert without getting it all over her entire head--even on the back of her ears. Not too problematic when you're talking about a ginger cookie, but progressively worse when it's chocolate, something with frosting or something with food color augmented frosting.

As I was eating my piece of the cake, the shuffle on my iPod turned on the song "I Do the Rock". I love that song--in a different way from how I love spice cake, but it's still love. In case you are unfamiliar, you should check it out. It's by Tim Cury from his second album, "Fearless".

So, check out the song, get yourself a piece of cake and relax. 1 gram of trans fat probably won't kill you. Not immediately anyway.

Inviting Disaster: On Raising Lemons, Pseudo PALK's and Best Sellers

2008-09-23T23:22:00.000-07:00

I have a lemon tree that I have nearly killed three times now because it is hard to grow lemons in Portland Oregon. They do fine in the summer, but as soon as it starts getting cold, my poor lemon tree starts dropping leaves and lemons and looking all mangy. I swore that this year I was not going to let it suffer, but then we moved a short time ago and left the tree at the other house. So, of course, there was a cold snap. Now the leaves are all yellow and half the tiny little lemons have dropped off and I feel like a shoddy tree keeper again. It's a good thing there isn't an anti-cruelty to plants society or I would be in some serious trouble.

I don't know much about raising lemons, but here's something that strikes me as odd. There's been one particular lemon growing on my tree for well over a year. It's not a particularly big lemon, and in all that time, it hasn't turned yellow yet. What's up with that? Do lemons just take forever to ripen, or is this a peculiar lemon? Anyone with advanced lemon knowledge should feel free to comment and let me know.

I guess that is an open invitation to the various fiends in the world posing as people with advanced lemon knowledge but who actually have little to no lemon knowledge. That's right, I'm talking about the despicable pseudo PALK's. I know you're out there, just itching to spread false lemon knowledge, and I dare you--no, I double dare you--to try to leave a fake comment without me knowing. Chickens.

Apart from that, the Helm issue #2 has made the Best Seller list at Dark Horse and the Diamond top 300 for August! Whoo Hoo! I'm two for two! But now I know I'm just inviting disaster for issue #3 by gloating about the first two.

I guess that's what I'm doing with this whole blog entry--inviting disaster--if not from pseudo PALK's, then from the gods of the comic book best seller lists. Oh well, that's just me. That's just how I roll.

Moving, the Total Collapse of the Economy and the Borg Cube

2008-09-18T09:56:00.000-07:00

I don't like to appear egotistical or anything, but I'm pretty sure that the completion of my new house triggered the collapse of the global economy.

We've been working on remodelling a house for the last year and that whole time I've been joking with people who asked when it would be done. I'd tell them that the new house wouldn't be finished until the real estate market totally collapsed so that I wouldn't be able to sell the old house. I guess I should be more careful what I joke about. We moved on Saturday and on Monday the market plunged into the toilet. Maybe we'll rent the old place for a while.

Apart from triggering the total collapse of the world economy, I've been kind of unproductive lately--probably due to the frenzy of moving into a new house and dealing with the fact that everyone in my family got sick and we don't have phone service, Internet, mail or anything. I haven't been doing much writing--just surviving--but it's starting to make me feel a little listless. So I suppose I should get my butt in gear and start working on some things--like figuring out what move I can make to trigger the recovery of the economy. Maybe unpacking boxes in the basement? That's a frightening idea.

Our basement (a brand new basement that we had to lift up our house to build) is currently packed with everything that used to be in our old house. The bulk of it is in this giant 12 foot cube of packing boxes--what we've been fearfully referring to as the Borg Cube--you know, that big deadly cube-ship that the Borg used to fly around in on Star Trek the Next Generation. Anyway, somewhere in the Borg Cube, right near the back of the bottom row (the most inaccessible part) is an alarm clock. This particular alarm clock is shaped like a doggy drill Sergeant holding a bugle, and when it goes off it play reveille and shouts "WAKE UP!!! RISE AND SHINE!!!" at tremendous volume. It's an alarm that is impossible to sleep through--the very reason I bought the clock fifteen years ago and the same reason that I eventually stopped using it. It was just too harsh to wake up to.

Anyway, we know that the alarm clock is in the cube at the center of the bottom of the back because it goes off twice a day--at 5:30 PM and 5:30 AM--for a solid hour each time. Dinner time and just before the sun comes up. It is very annoying--particularly because we can't figure any way to get at it to shut it off short of actually unpacking all of the rest of the boxes. You'd think we could simply throw the other boxes aside to get at that one, Incredible-Hulk-style, but there's just no room to move the boxes. The rest of the basement is too full of other junk that is not in boxes. So, to turn off this clock, we actually have to get all of our stuff in order.

It feels kind of like a metaphor--the kind I hate.

Cheerio Soda Pop Burps

2008-09-04T16:56:00.000-07:00

I was talking with Wayne today (of course, you all know Wayne) when Cheerios were mentioned in passing and he said, "Cheerios give you nasty burps if you eat them while drinking soda."

That there is a fundamental human truth you can only discover from experience--and the fact that Wayne knew it made me aware of how powerful a tool it is for identifying like minded individuals. You see, most people eat Cheerios for breakfast and they eat them with milk on them. Again, most people would never drink a soda while eating something with milk on it--that's just a bad and unattractive idea. The two curdle because of the whole acid versus base thing. So, to know that Cheerios produce stanky burps when combined with soda, you have to be a person who has eaten cheerios without milk--either dry as a snack with a soda--most likely while watching television--or, if you are truly hardcore, dry out of the bowl or box with a soda for breakfast. For me, the combination is most often Cheerios and Dr. Pepper either super late night or super early. And just to be clear, I don't pour the Dr. Pepper on the Cheerios, although I can't vouch for Wayne on that issue.

Wacky Packages

2008-09-02T09:56:00.000-07:00

I was cleaning out my basement over the long weekend in preparation for moving to a new house and I came across my framed, uncut sheet of Wacky Packages. I love Wacky Packages and I was really pleased to see that they'd started doing them again a couple of years ago--and that they'd gone back to including gum in the packages.

My memories of Wacky Packages are intimately connected to the smell of the stick of gum that used to come with them. Getting a whiff of that gum smell instantly takes me back to grade school and stirs feelings I don't have any language to articulate. Of course, my original collection is long gone--lost in the mists of time with all the other cool stuff that would be worth a small fortune today if only I knew where it went.

Years ago, right after I first found out about eBay, I discovered a thriving market for Wacky Packages. The first thing I bought was the uncut sheet of original Wackies I just rediscovered in my basement. It was my first successful bid and I was thrilled--I could barely wait for it to come. But then, when it finally arrived, I was irrationally disappointed to find that it didn't have that gum smell. Of course, an uncut sheet wouldn't have the smell. They were never packaged, so they were never exposed to the gum.

So, I delved further and actually found some people selling unopened boxes of Wacky Packages. I think I bought five boxes. This was, you understand, before I had kids--back in the days when I had disposable income and free time. Now, I didn't expect that the gum would still be edible, I just wanted the smell of it on the cards. Imagine my surprise when I opened the first box and discovered that there was no gum! These were re-issues from the 1980's rather than from my childhood in the 70's. Apparently, Topps had determined by then that collectors were only interested in the cards and didn't care about the gum. Me, I was heart broken. I consoled myself by going through the cards and reliving some of my memories of the great Wackies.

Then I had kids, and my Wacky Package collecting got put on hold. I shelved the remaining unopened boxes and buried my "no gum" heartbreak. The uncut-sheet poster came down to make room for alphabet flash cards--A is for Apple, and I forgot about that gum smell.

And then, about three years ago, while browsing the Internet, I came across a reference to new Wacky Packages. Topps had started up the line again. And there were rumors of gum!! So, despite the protests of my wife, I started buying them. And there was gum, and it was good. The gum was thoughtfully packaged in a plastic sleeve to stop it from damaging the stickers--so the stickers didn't have the smell--but the gum had the smell, so everything was fine. I could sit there, pouring over the stickers and sniffing the gum like a glue sniffing junkie and get that weird rush of half memory, half emotion. I dutifully bought each new series as it came out.

Until the most recent one. They've stopped putting gum in again! Bastards! I still don't have time to keep up with all the details of what's going on in the Wacky Packages world, but I can't help but feel that this signals another end to Wacky Packages. At least for me--because for me it was never just about collecting the stickers or chewing the gum. It was about being eleven and buying my first candy with my own money and making fun of the products my parents bought (even if I didn't really understand what they were exactly) and sharing a new currency with my peers. All of which flooded back to me as I stood in the basement holding my Wacky Packages uncut sheet poster. Which is where my wife found me.

"You're not taking that to the new house, are you?" she asked, with that tone that suggests the question was rhetorical rather than legitimate.

"Of course I'm bringing it," I answered.

"You're not thinking of hanging it in the new house, are you?" Same tone.

"Above our bed," I answered.

Four Great Movies and The Gone Away World

2008-08-27T12:59:00.000-07:00

Somebody asked me for my top ten favorite movies. I hate trying to pin down my favorites like that. There are so many great movies that have affected me deeply. Anyway, while mulling the top ten thing over, I thought of four movies that I love:

Big Trouble in Little China
The Last Dragon
Fight Club
Buckaroo Banzai

These are movies that have impacted what and how I write. If you haven't seen these movies, check them out.

I recently ran across a book that reminded me of all four--that seemed to crystalize the essence of what I love about each one. It's The Gone Away World by Nick Harkaway. If you've seen and liked one or more of these movies, do yourself a favor and buy this book.

Of course, the book will probably appeal to lots of folks who don't like these movies too, so don't screen yourself out based only on my feeble comparisons.

What is it I like about these movies (and The Gone Away World)? It's the invention and breathless fun they have with otherwise dire circumstances and the way they convey deep messages while making me laugh. These stories make me feel young.

Anyway, that's what I was thinking.

Bulgaria, Toilet Tides and the Death of Argument

2008-08-22T11:48:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling all international because somebody from Bulgaria has looked at the Helm comic website! My Google analytics tell me so. For those of you feeling kind of creeped out by my use of Google analytics, particularly my one Bulgarian friend, don't worry--I'm using the disabled free kind of analytics that won't really tell me anything juicy about you like your credit card information or your sexual preferences. For example, I know that one person in Germany looked at the site. I don't know who it is specifically, but I think I have a pretty good guess.

And now, on to the toilet tides. On numerous occasions, I have stood before a toilet and observed small ripples or fluctuations in the water height that occur without apparent source. For those of you about to suggest that these are the after shocks of having used or flushed the toilet (and I know some of you were just about to do that) I make these observations prior to use of the toilets in question. Anyway, I have occasionally wondered what causes these disruptions. Today, I looked it up. According to my friend, the Internet, toilet tides are caused by changes in pressure in the toilet's vent stack pipe. Yes, you read that right. For those non plumbers in the massive audience of this blog, the vent stack pipe vents to the roof of the house and when wind blows across the opening of this pipe, it lowers the pressure in the pipe, causing the water to rise up the pipe and evacuate the toilet.

Apparently, you can duplicate this effect by putting a straw in a glass of water and blowing across the top so that the pressure in the straw goes down and water sucks up the straw out of the glass. Haven't tried it myself yet, but just wait until lunch rolls around!

Finding this answer so quickly led me to a thought. I used to while away countless pleasant hours in heated argument about subjects like the ripples in toilet water, but lately I've noticed that such arguments have dropped off precipitously. I think it may be because the correct answers to so many questions are now so easily, almost instantaneously, knowable. What is the point of pointlessly arguing something when you can discover the answer with the click of a mouse?

Should I worry that the art of pointless argument will fade? Should I assume that pointless argument will simply become more refined by being limited to things that are actually unknowable? In the end, it's hard to say--but at least I know how many Bulgarians are looking at my website and why my toilet water is moving.

Bestseller at Dark Horse and Microwave Diamonds

2008-08-22T00:17:00.000-07:00

I just found out that the Helm #1 made the top ten bestseller list at Dark Horse and the Diamond top 300 for July! Whoo Hoo!

Okay, sure, it was #9 at Dark Horse and #274 at Diamond, but at least it cracked both lists. That's got to be worth something.

In other news, someone sent me a link to a video of guys claiming to make diamonds in a microwave oven by coating charcoal briquettes with peanut butter and nuking them for an hour. It's a pretty funny idea until you try it and destroy your pyrex tray and your wife gets mad at you and you don't even really get any of the diamonds you thought were going to make up for smoking up the whole house and kind of trashing a perfectly good microwave. Not that I tried it or anything.

If you'd like to see the video (theirs, not mine) here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bWhtkkOYoxo

Is there some connection between trying to make diamonds in a microwave and having a best selling comic book? Apart from the obvious one?

Jack Black as Matt and Ben Stiller the Animal Killer

2008-08-18T14:43:00.000-07:00

I got another letter today recommending Jack Black should play Matt Blurdy in the Helm, so I figured I’d use my blog to say thanks to everyone who has written in with a suggestion about who should play Matt in the movie version of the Helm. And also, thanks for thinking that the Helm should be made into a movie. That’s always nice to hear.

Basically, everyone recommends one of three guys. Jack Black is clearly the forerunner, but I’ve also gotten multiple votes for both Seth Rogen and Philip Seymour Hoffman. Please feel free to post your own suggestions below.

On the subject of Jack Black, I just saw Tropic Thunder over the weekend. Very funny. But, it confirmed something I’ve been noticing for a while. Ben Stiller likes to fight small, cuddly animals in his films (and often kill them). He fights that dog in Something about Mary. He has trouble with the ferret in Along Came Polly. He fights the monkey in Night at the Museum. Of course, there’s the big animal battle in Tropic Thunder (but I don’t want to give anything away.) Please feel free to post your own Ben Stiller the Animal Killer observations here.

Helm #2

2008-08-14T11:25:00.000-07:00

Whoo Hooo! I got my preview copy of the Helm #2 this morning. And that means that issue #2 will be hitting stores on the 20th of this month!

And, in unrelated news, I've also noticed the oncoming resurgence of Neil Patrick Harris. He was mentioned in three unconnected emails I recieved this morning, leaving me with the impression that he is sweeping back like a dark tide. Well, not a dark tide really.

I guess the emails were actually connected by all containing Neil Patrick Harris references--but otherwise they were unconnected. And then, glancing over at a coworker's computer screen, what should I see but Neil Patrick Harris riding on a unicorn. It was an image from the most recent Harold and Kumar movie. So, there you go. That is certainly enough circumstantial, coincidental evidence for me because I am a human with a poorly crafted brain that drips with perceived significance and connection.

The Pros of the Con

2008-08-01T15:19:00.001-07:00

So, as you may have read, I'm just back from visiting the San Diego Comic Con--my first big Con ever. I'm curious to hear from any of you long time comics fans out there about whether you pick up new books and get introduced to new material at cons or not. I got to meet lots of wonderful folks during my signings, but it was pretty clear that the number of people who hadn't read the book out numbered those who had by at least a factor of ten. I'm curious about whether anybody who hadn't read the Helm prior to dropping by the signing actually checked out the Helm afterwards, and just in general, whether folks who attend cons regularly tend to get exposed to new material that way.

So, leave me a comment if you get a second and let me know what you get out of the Con experience.

Jim

Wrath of CON

2008-07-28T11:12:00.000-07:00

I’m back from the San Diego Comic Con and I still have a bit of a headache. Must be the Wrath of Con.

What an interesting experience. This was not only my first time attending, but really my first time attending any major convention. I did go to the Stumptown Comic Con in beautiful Portland, Oregon, but that was really a different thing, scale-wise. Nice, but different.

So, here are some impressions from a newbie:

The first thing is, COOL. What a great and friendly bunch of people comic fans are. As I walked into the elevator of the Gaslamp Marriot, clutching my “Watchmen” door keycard, a woman immediately commented on it, talking to me like we were old friends.

“You got a Watchmen?” she asked, her voice tinged with envy.
“Uh, yeah,” I answered, always Mr. Suave.
“I only got a Batman.”
“Batman’s cool,” I said.
“Do you want to trade?” she asked, hope writ large on her features.
“Uh, I think it actually opens my door,” I demurred.
Her face fell as she realized the cold logic of it. “Oh well, see you in the Con!” And she flounced out, the broadsword slung across her back clanging on the elevator door.

Next, WOW. We showed up on Wednesday—Preview Night, assuming that this would be the slow night of the whole thing. Wrong. We were nearly crushed in the tide of costumed humanity as it surged about the floor in search of collectible swag. For example, while heading for the Dark Horse area, we were snagged in a riptide of Con-goers that dragged us back and swept us into the WB booth. There we were adorned with Wonder Woman bags the size of barbeque aprons and then spit out next to the Nerd Herd car from Chuck. Had it been a literal ocean, I would not be alive to write this.

Finally, WEIRD. The Con is a strange phenomena. Where else do people not notice Kiefer Sutherland because a Princess Leia (in that loincloth outfit from when she’s a prisoner of Jabba the Hutt) is walking by? Where else do rock stars, movie stars, TV stars and one-hundred-and-fifty-nine-thousand, nine-hundred-and-sixty-four irregular, abnormal people brush shoulders because of a shared admiration of superheroes, fantasies, aliens and limited edition collectible bobble heads? Nowhere else, that’s where.

Anyway, thanks to everybody who showed up for my signings! It was great to see you and I hope you enjoy your Helm posters (everybody who told me they’d actually already read the comic got one.) Keep on the lookout for issue #2 of the Helm, hitting stores on August 20th!

Jim

At the San Diego Comic Con

2008-07-24T23:41:00.000-07:00

Well, I just finished day two of my first big comic convention--the San Diego Comic Con. Very interesting.

There was a signing for the Helm today at 4:00 PM at the Dark Horse booth and there will be another one at noon tomorrow. It was a pretty good turnout, considering the book's only been out a week--quite a few people who stopped by had actually read it.

Of course, it's also nice to be at a place where you can see Indian Jones, Batman and a Storm Trooper all standing around eating muffins and having a conversation--not to mention the hundreds of other people wearing costumes of characters I don't know. Least wise, I assume they are wearing costumes and I just don't know who they are supposed to be.

Anyway, a very interesting and entertaining experience so far.

One day in

2008-07-17T09:03:00.000-07:00

Well, the Helm has been out for one day and I've gotten my first scathing review and a couple of really nice emails from folks who read the book and liked it.

Scathing reviews are always interesting. I know you're not supposed to read reviews, or care about what they say if you do, but it's hard not to read them when people go to all the trouble of putting them out there.

So, here are my thoughts on negative reviews.

OUCH!

Good thing I've also gotten a really good review so that I can keep some sense of perspective. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens next.

Actually, negative reviews are useful. They either give me a good idea of what I need to work harder on next time, or they solidify my resolve that I did it right despite what the reviewer complained about. Also, I guess, if bad reviews really bother you, you shouldn't be writing for other people to read.

The Helm is out TODAY

2008-07-16T14:32:00.000-07:00

Issue #1 of The Helm is out today!!!

Actually, it's slightly anti-climactic. We celebrated the release about a week ago when we got four advanced copies. Today I'm just sitting at work, working on things. The rest of the advanced copies that my company, Character, ordered won't be here for about a week.

It is cool to see it in print though. Makes it more...real...

I haven't had a lot of time to anticipate the release as I've been travelling a lot lately, but just one week from today is the San Diego Comic Con and I understand from those who've been before that I won't be able to think of much else once I'm there. I've only been to one comics convention before this--the Stumptown Comic Con here in Portland. It was cool and quirky, although everybody tells me it's small in comparison to SDCC. I wonder if SDCC will have the same funky smell--kind of a cross between body odor and hamburgers.

If you happen to be at the Con, stop by the Dark Horse booth and say hello! Maybe I'll give you a poster for The Helm. It's possible.

The Helm

2008-05-12T14:53:00.001-07:00

Hello! This is my first official blog entry--not just for my new comic book, "The Helm," but ever. New to comic books and new to blogging. So, first thing is please check out issue #1 of "The Helm" coming out July 16th, 2008. Here's a link: ttp://www.darkhorse.com/profile/profile.php?sku=15-124

So, here goes the beginnings of some musings about "The Helm." Hopefully I'll have more stuff to post shortly.

The Concept:

What if you had a superpower that hated your guts? That’s the question that gave birth to “The Helm”.

Every superman needs his Kryptonite or his love of Lois Lane in order to keep the possibility of failure open and some suspense alive for the audience. “The Helm” came out of the idea of pushing the flaw to the point where the main character was so unsuited to be a hero that his own superpower was disgusted by him.

While the subject is handled with a sense of humor, “The Helm” plays with some deeper issues as well. What makes someone a hero? Being brave, invincible and superhuman would certainly make it easier to act heroically—but what if you were cowardly, soft and all-too-human? How much more heroic would you need to be to act heroically then?

That’s how Mathew Blurdy was born—as a sort of epitome of the slightly-below-average, average guy. He’s cowardly, out of shape, unemployed, undisciplined and morally “flexible”. What happens when a guy like that finds out that the fate of the world and the lives of those he loves rest in his fairly incapable hands?

Mathew:

When I first pitched “The Helm” concept to my editor, Dave Land at Dark Horse, I told him I was looking for the drawing style to really build the contrast between the superhero genre and the reality of Mathew Blurdy. I referenced Conan as an example and Dave immediately started showing me Bart Sears’ work. As a new-comer to comics, I had no idea who Bart was, but I loved his stuff and knew he’d be perfect for the book. It was only later, as I Googled him, that it started to sink in what a really big name in comics Bart was. I’m glad I didn’t know more at the outset because I never would have imagined that he’d work with a first time comic writer.

It’s been totally cool getting to work with Bart Sears on this project. He’s gone so far with the Brutes and Babes approach that it seemed perfect to have him drawing Mathew in all his chubby glory. It took a little back and forth to push Matt out the classic hero model but once he got comfortable with Matt’s flaws, Bart really nailed it. He’s got such an eye for detail—like the occasional exposed bit of Matt’s butt crack—that I can’t wait to see the new panels as they come in.

The Helm:

Mathew is the hero of “The Helm,” but he’s really only half of the story equation. The helmet after which the book is named is a personality all its own. It’s basically an ancient, magical Norse artifact that’s been secretly handed down from champion to champion for over a thousand years. In all that time, the warriors it has aided have been cut from essentially the typical heroic cloth. They’ve been big, muscle-bound dudes with nobility and morals to match their powerful physiques. Until Mathew. Matt is absolutely not what the Helm was expecting—but the Helm doesn’t really get a choice in the matter. The Gods themselves designate who the next Valhalladrim will be, and there can be only one alive at a time, so the Helm is stuck with Mathew until death do them part.

Of course, there’s a lot of backstory to how and why Matt and the Helm come together—but for now, it’s as big a mystery to the Helm as it is to Mathew. Hopefully, we’ll get a chance to explore that territory over time—but for now, the mismatch is the engine that drives the relationship between the two and hopefully keeps the story engaging and funny.